Sisters of No Mercy

Francis Millard who produced tonight's film has had a long and interesting life. She is the mother of Steve Millard a.k.a Nick Millard a.k.a Nick Phillips director of Criminally Insane and Death Nurse. She was married seven times and at one time was a dancer. Then at the age of 83 she made a bold career move and became a porn star.

I'll give that a moment to sink in.

That's right a Porn Star, and performing under the name Great Granny Gigi she performed in films such as Aged to Perfection 18, Hey My Grandmother's a Whore, Granny Takes a Tinkle, and 92 and Still Bangin'. Now the Bug is not here to judge anyone, so I won't cast disparage on you perverts who are looking up those titles. Personally, I would just barely rather watch tonight's film than watch one of Granny GiGi's scenes, but to each his own.

Cemetery Sisters (1987) starring Joan and Leslie Simon. Directed by Nick Phillips (Steve Millard)

Joan and Leslie play sisters cleverly named Joan and Leslie who long for their simple childhood growing up in the family mortuary. They want to raise the money to buy their own Cemetery, and what better way to do it than to marry men and kill them for their money. As the movie opens, Leslie is newly married. Her husband brings her home and carries her over the threshold, but the poor sap soon starts his married life by being stabbed in the back by Joan. He falls to the floor and crawls over to the fireplace; I suppose because he's found help in a fireplace before. Soon Joan has a quickie wedding ending with her husband George, who owns lots of stocks and bonds, killed by the side of the road on the way back from Vegas. Then Leslie married Boyd a stockbroker's son; he gets killed in bed after being served breakfast.

The problem starts when Aunt Ingrid shows up for a visit. The girls haven't got Boyd out of the house yet. The lady who plays Aunt Ingrid is a repeat player in Steve Millard's work having appeared in Death Nurse, but sadly I could not find her name in the credits of this film. She plays the Aunt as a creepy old nympho, and when Leslie won't let her in the bedroom she wants to know if her niece has a man in there since "Auntie believes in sharing.". Leslie gets her out of the house to shop, and Joan takes the time to practice embalming on Boyd. Unfortunately, she gets distracted by a phone call from her new suitor Marvin who looks like a less cool John Oates, and when Auntie comes back early and spies the body, the girls have to take her out as well. More of the same happens as the movie staggers on into a sort of ending.

Throughout the film, we are treated to flashbacks of Joan as a child in the mortuary. One of the most hilarious things is watching the husky boy in a dress play Joan. These flashbacks lead to one of the most inane parts of the film where little Joan goes to the movie theater to see the new horror movie. We are treated to extended 5-10 minute sequences from Criminally Insane and another Steve Millard production Satan's Black Wedding. These parts pad out an already sparse 62 minute running time.

I surely can't tell anyone to watch this one. That is unless you have only 2 movies and the other stars Granny GiGi. The acting is poor. The directing is poor. The story is poor, and contains no conflict for the girls to deal with at all. It does contain a few laughs, most unintentional, and not enough to balance the rest of the film. If you happen to be a Steve Millard completist, then check it out, but you'll be watching almost 20 minutes of footage you've seen before. For anyone else, just skip it entirely unless you want to see a textbook example of how not to make a low budget picture. I couldn't find a trailer or clip for you, so instead I leave you with something much more pleasant, Tom Waits' Cemetery Polka.

Bug Rating