No Blade of Grass (1974): It’s Tommy Chong’s Worst Nightmare

If you took Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, gave it to Roger Corman, who produced it through a partnership with Hammer with a young Al Gore co-writing the script with Jack Hill, then you might approximate something close to today’s film, No Blade of Grass. As summer continues, the days are going to get hotter, and the thought of Global Warming will probably pass though more than a few heat addled mind. It seems that the same old worries have been around since the 70’s, and Cornel Wilde, actor and director of the acclaimed action classic The Naked Prey (1966), found a way to bring The Greenhouse Effect, world hunger, and pollution together with exploitation mainstays murder, rape, bikers, and gang warfare. It all boils down to a road trip, and it’s the last vacation anyone would ever want to take. So come along with me as I take you on a trip to a world where there is No Blade of Grass.

The Hot Spot (1990): Is Located Between Jennifer Connelly and Virginia Madsen

The scorching heat of summer is truly upon us. Yesterday, here at The Lair, it reached 106 degrees, and there’s no relief in sight. However, I must count my blessings. I generally get to stay in the confines of an air conditioned area, I don’t live somewhere crazy, stupid hot like Texas, and I’m not caught in a love triangle between Jennifer Connelly and Virginia Madsen. Wait, scratch that last one. No matter the external temperature, a situation like that would surely heat me up. Though when you’re Don Johnson, riding high on the star power garnered from six seasons of the pastel hued Miami Vice, you can afford to act blasé about two of the hottest women to ever grace the screen vying for your affections. While the onscreen sexy time is only one portion of today’s film, The Hot Spot, it definitely heats up a cool noir story from director Dennis Hopper. 

Rupert Pupkin's Top 5 Summer Movies

From time to time I get a chance to pitch in on other sites, and sometimes folks are kind enough to return the favor. So today, I'm happy to present my good pal Rupert Pupkin's Top 5 Summer Movies. Rupert has a great site, Rupert Pupkin Speaks, where he compiles many an excellent list and often has guest by to share theirs as well. Recently, I listed my Top 10 "Bad" Movies, and, as a thank you, Mr. Pupkin compiled this cool list for everyone to chill with this weekend while they try and beat the summer heat!

Devil Fish, Killer Crocodile, and The Great Alligator: Italian Film Takes a Bite out of Jaws

Just yesterday, June 20th, marked the 37th year since the release of Stephen Spielberg’s Jaws into the movie theaters, and so some might say I missed the anniversary. However, what I want to talk about is something that’s a bit off, or should I say took a bite off of, Jaws. Like so many trends in cinema, once the Italians got a hold of it, they took it to as many places as you could imagine. Today, I’m going to take a look at three of the many, many giant water based creature films that invaded Italian cinemas for two decades following Hollywood‘s most famous shark. Each is the effort of a different directors and features a different kind of creature, and with a wide margin of success and failure, all of them intended to imitate what the Spielberg had put on the screen. So join me as Sergio Martino, Lamberto Bava, and Fabrizio De Angelis take their shot at aquatic glory.

Little Darlings (1980): A Camp with Virgins & No Slasher?

When I was a young girl going to camp, oh wait, I’m not a young girl and I have already established I didn’t go to camp. Let me try this again. When I was a thirty something guy sitting on his couch preparing to watch a movie about young girls at camp, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The film’s two young stars were both names I recognized, but I wasn’t sure if I was in for the female version of Meatballs or something more akin to an Afterschool Special. Surprisingly it was neither, and a bit of both. The film in question is Little Darlings, a movie I had heard about, but it was long out of print and never released on DVD. I finally recorded the flick when it played on TCM a few weeks back, and heads up, it’s playing again next Saturday (6/23/12, 2:15 AM) if this review inspires you to want to check it out. I could easily now write something titillating about the film’s man conceit, a race between two girls to lose their virginity, but Little Darlings isn’t crass. It tries to paint a picture of the secret life of teen and pre-teen girls, and, at least in this old guy’s opinion, it works.

Summertime Killer (1972): Chris Mitchum Turns Up the Heat on Revenge

Hot town, Summertime Killer. 

Chris Mitchum’s gonna get dirty and gritty.

 Get down, with this review 

and find out if it was great or shitty. 

All around, people getting shot dead, 

and the action’s getting hot, hotter than a match head. 

Right, now that I have that Lovin’ Spoonful parody out of my system, I'll start this review in earnest. The sweltering heat of summer has definitely arrived here at The Lair, and unlike the main character of today’s film, I don’t have a houseboat to moor in the Mediterranean. If I did, I would probably also do more dirt biking than I do now. Until then, I’m going to be here bringing you films like today’s, Summertime Killer. It’s a story of revenge, kidnapping, and action all set against the backdrop of a Spanish heat wave.

Friday the 13th Part 3: A New Dimension in Mediocrity

Camp, I’ll be the first to tell you that I never went. My one aborted effort ended up with me coming home in the middle of the night rather than staying one moment more. While some may say that I missed out, and that I would never know the joys of making a wallet or swimming in a muck filled lake, I think I’m good with that. Over the years here at the Lair, I’ve talked about a lot of campers, but I’m still making my way through the most famous group of all, alumni of Camp Crystal Lake. So today I’m turning an eye to the Voorhees clan’s hat trick, and first appearance of the hockey mask,  Friday the 13th Part 3. Presented in 3-D, or 2-D with some rather silly scenes intended for the third dimension, which is how I watched it, this third entry (like the fourth after it) was intended to bring to franchise to a close. Yet, how can it, when every year there’s a waiting list for parents looking to send their snot nosed kid off to Voorhees country for a summer of terror. As long as they keep making teens and sending them into the woods, Jason is going to be there to hack them up.

The Lonely Violent Beach (1971): Bikers, Beaches, and Not So Bloody Revenge

If you laid out brochures for a number of vacation destinations, many people would choose to go to Sandals or Atlantis. Some might pick an iconic locale like Muscle Beach or head off to Atlantic Beach for some gambling, and Bikini Beach Resort in Panama City, Florida might tempt a number of folks. The one brochure that would never be touched is for The Lonely Violent Beach. No matter how stunning the photographs of waves on the beach might be or how many assurances there were about the area being devoid of roving biker gangs, people simply wouldn’t want to go. There could be pictures of beautiful sunsets and wide open, deserted stretches of beach laid out under a legend claiming less rape this year than ever before, and I just don’t think anyone would be convinced. Unless, I suppose, you were a member of a roving, raping biker gang who didn’t buy into the hype.

Island Claws (1980): Or, Crabs Get Fisherman in a Pinch

With summer and beaches on the mind, my stomach sometimes turns to thoughts of sea food in the warm months. While I like salmon and shrimp as much as the next fellow who doesn’t have allergies, crab, particularly in a cake or deviled form, is one of my favorite things to order. The only problem with crabs is that I could eat so many, and crab legs are always so much work compared to the reward. Sure it’s buttery and incredible, but so fleeting. Plus, let’s face it, I’m lazy. What they need to come up with is a bigger crab, and, coincidentally, the heroes of today’s film have the same aspiration. Today’s film, Island Claws, is a rare case if I’ve ever seen one. By a one time director, featuring a cast of genre bit players, and detailing what should be a ludicrous attempt at a giant monster feature, Island Claws is actually way better than it has any right to be. So break out the melted butter and grab you best claw cracker, because we’re going to need them on this trip.

Get Off on the Goldfoot: Kicking off Summer with Vincent Price

While the calendar might denote a specific day that summer begins astrologically, I think most of us will agree that when June arrives, summer is upon us. Here at the Lair, it’s no different. It’s the time of year I break out the Bermuda shorts, drag out the lawn chair, slather up with coconut oil, and start soaking in the rays. It also means that my heart turns to the lighter side of genre fare. From the blood soaked beaches to the dense tropic jungles, you’ll find me turning up the heat all summer long. To start it off, I wanted to bring in the king of cool in a pair of sizzling films. When you think about beaches, surf, and sand, the name Vincent Price surely springs to mind right away. Well, perhaps not right away, but I think today I can bring it  a little closer with two films featuring Price commanding a phalanx of two pieces.

Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009): Under the Sea (Something Will Eat Your Ass)

The Summer months are officially upon us, and that means that often this genre film buff’s mind turns from the gloom and doom of dark winter horror and thrills to the Summery delights of action flicks, teenage romance, and killer animals. The last of these has become an exceedingly campy and popular staple of the poorly spelled SyFy network, but I have to admit that I’ve never sat down to watch one of these made for TV masterpieces. However, when I ran across a Blu Ray of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, an Asylum Home Entertainment rip off of SyFy’s oceanic themed animal attack flicks, I couldn’t resist. I figured at nothing else I would get three bucks worth of enjoyment watching ’80’s icons Lorenzo “The Renegade “ Lamas and Debbie (Deborah, cause she’s all grown up now) Gibson  of Electric Youth  fame fight off a pair CGI nightmare. I wasn’t wrong, at least not exactly. Just when I thought that I might have wasted my money, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus snatched victory from mid-air, literally.

Deborah Gibson stars as oceanographer Emma MacNeil who is cruising around the Artic in her mini-sub checking out the whales when a government helicopter stops by to test out some experimental sonar. The sonic waves make the whales freak out and ram a nearby iceberg unleashing the titular pair of prehistoric creatures. The Mega-pus puts the moves (and some serous devastation) on an oil platform while Mega-Shark gets frustrated trying to find a meal big enough and tries to pluck a plane from the sky. MacNeil gets canned from her ocean research job for taking the sub without permission, and she soon finds herself falling in with Japanese scientist Seiji Shimada (Vic Chow) and a team out to stop the giant creatures. After one botched attempt, the team is taken prisoner by government jerk face Allen Baxter (Lamas) and made to continue working on how to capture the creatures. Eventually, and kind of shockingly, a plan to pit the two against each other propels the film to its climatic final confrontation.

If you go into watching Mega- Shark vs. Giant- Octopus without expecting a movie that would be called Mega-Shark vs. Giant-Octopus, then I’m not quite sure what you expected. Perhaps someone mislabeled your copy of Magnolia, and instead of a serious film full of maddeningly morose characters, you ended up watching one of the dumbest films ever made. The fact that you didn’t realize it wasn’t Magnolia and watched the whole thing while wondering if P.T. has lost his mind, however, is on you. If you go into the film expecting a campy movie about two cartoonishly large creatures duking it out while and 80’s pop princess looks on, then you’re in lick because that’s what you’d be getting.

I’m not going to spend a ton of time defending or lauding the film’s action, direction, or performances. Doing so would only be a fool’s errand. Mega vs. Giant (as I’m going to call it for brevity henceforth) is an enjoyable film simply because it is so misguidedly bad. I’ll be completely honest and say that the scene of the shark snatching a plane out of the sky practically paid for the movie in and of itself, and the final battle between the two was also nearly as entertaining. Everything else in between is just filler, but it’s filler that features Debbie Gibson. Now when I was about 12 or 13 years old I had the biggest crush on Debbie Gibson, and now some twenty years later I am happy to report that I still have the biggest crush on Debbie Gibson. I can’t say the same for the Lamas.

Lorenzo Lamas is never the best actor, but back in the day Renegade was a pretty decent Sunday afternoon distraction when it cam on after the block of Hercules and Xena. Here he just shows up to be a harass government stooge that isn’t beyond throwing some racism at Vic Chow’s character despite him being one of the scientists trying to stop the monsters. Lamas’ character didn’t do the film any favors, and while I’m sure he was showing up to cash a check, it still seemed puzzling that it would have been worth cashing. As for Chow, while he should be one of the driving forces in the film, I often forgot he was around even though he had a stilted, forced love scene with Ms. Gibson. In fact other than Gibson’s oceanographer and her sub co-pilot, just a few hours after watching the film I already have trouble coming up with other characters.

In the end, Mega vs. Giant needed no characters, no plot, and no sense to be made because in the end the Mega-Shark fighting the Giant Octopus was all the film really needed. Though I do have to reiterate splicing in a few shots of Debbie Gibson probably wouldn’t have hurt. I can’t imagine that Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus will be a title I will find myself prying off the shelf with wild abandon every time I want to watch a film, but if I have a friend come over and they’re in the mood for something stupid and absurd, it would be one of my go-to choices. Will I pursue the Asylum indirect sequel that features both Gibson and her former rival Tiffany? You bet your boots I will, and when I do you folks will be the first to know. I hope you enjoyed the kickoff of the Summer season here at the Lair. So when you’re inside trying to beat the heat, remember to come back here all Summer long for a bunch of cool films.

Bugg Rating