Whatcha Craven?: Invitation to Hell (1994)

Yesterday, I talked about Halloween parties in my review of Murder Party, and today I have another invite on the docket, but this time, it's to Hell! (Cue sinister organ music) When Daytime's Leading Lady and the Master of Horror collide for a Movie of the Week, the results are less celebratory than you'd want, but come along with me, and Punky Brewster, on an Invitation to Hell.

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #9: Don't Answer the Phone (1980)

Welcome back to the Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair Halloween countdown. Today I'm talking about a "don't" that everyone is familiar with, Don't Answer the Phone. There's a myriad of reasons not to answer your phone, and nowadays in the  cellular era, it's easier than ever to ignore calls from unwanted dialers, but when today's film was made , it was difficult to surmise who was on the other end of the landline. There are so many reasons one would want to skip on answering a call; bill collectors, ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, parents, work, telemarketers, and political parties all belong on the list. However, there's one reason I didn't mention, if your caller is a crazy psycho who likes to call and tell you about his crimes. That's not something that plagues most people, but for the main character in today's film, it is a concern that is foremost in her mind as she ignores the titular advice to Don't Answer the Phone.  

Don't Go into the Lightning Bug's Lair #11: Don't Go in theWoods...Alone (1981)

After the travesty that was Don't Go in the Woods (2010), I was a little head shy, or should I say ear shy, after that musical horror mess, to press play on the first film entitled Don't Go in the Woods, albeit with the addition of the word "Alone" at the end.  To me, that's some good advice, but I would take it a step further and say don't go in the woods at all. I'm not much of an outdoorsman unless there's some kind of movie screen under the stars, and as far as my personal experience goes and based on the experiences of watching tons of films where people do go in the woods, it just never works out quite right.  I have friends who are hikers, and many of them expose the commendable belief in "leaving no trace" when they go out. I say there's an easier way than even that. Don't go at all and save your strength for trick or treating, and if you don't believe my advice, then just see what happens in Don't Go in the Woods...Alone.

The Laughing Dead (1989) What's So Funny About (Priest's Love And Aztec Resurrection)

I've seen movies with zombies. I've seen movies with mad scientists. I've seen movies with Priests that have lost their path. I've even seen movies where the Aztec people attempt to resurrect their culture. And I have seen plenty of movies where students on a field trip get menaced by any number of things. What I had never seen was a climax that boiled down to a basketball game that turns into a Ray Harryhausen style monster brawl, but that's just what The Laughing Dead delivered. Perhaps that's what happens when you get a Thai-American avant garde composer, poet,  and science fiction and horror novelist in the director's chair. Billed under a shortened version of his full name, Somtow Sucharitkul, in literary circles he would be known better as author S.P. Somtow. The first time director, writer, and star fashioned am intriguingly cheesy vision that both captured the flavor of early 80s horror fiction and the spirit of the cheapo horror feature. So come with me and let's have a few chuckles with The Laughing Dead.

The LBL 5 Year B-Day Special: Something Wicked This Way Comes (1984)

Horror fans often wonder why we don’t see films that scare us like they did when we were kids, and here’s the rub, we do. They just don’t have the same fright factor anymore. When I was a youngster, I got into horror through one of the more innocent portals into the genre, the Universal monster movies. These were my first impressions of Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and The Phantom of the Opera, and even after watching them on a grainy TV viewing, a low quality VHS, or on a condensed version made for Super 8 film, these movies still gave me the chills. I loved to get the big oversized film books and pour over pictures of creatures like The Golem or Dr. Phibes, scaring myself with their images long before I saw the movie. I've waxed poetic about my youth as a horror fan many times on The Lair, and I won’t take any more time here except to say that these films used to really, really scare me. While Dracula remains my favorite vampire movie and Bela Lugosi’s shining moment, the thought that a bat that turned into Bela might show up in my boudoir now seems ludicrous. Yet there was a time that even though I knew they were movies, I believed.

Black Moon Rising (1986): Carpenter Hits Top Gear

Creedence might have seen a Bad Moon a-Risin', but I kind of wish they had seen today's film, Black Moon Rising, because I would love to hear a rootsy rock number about it. Tommy Lee Jones stars as Quint, a master thief in the employ of the federal govement tasked with stealing a data tape with information to bring down the villainous Lucky Dollar Corporation. Quint gets the tape, but when the heat rises, he stashes it in the back of an experimental super car on its way to a big auto show. Unfortunately, before he can recover the tape again, the car is stolen by Nina (Linda Hamilton) and Alex for her boss Ed Ryland (Robert Vaughn). None of this goes over well with Quint's FBI handler Agent Johnson (Bubba Smith) who gives his charge 72 hours to recover the car or face the consequences.

Calendar Girl Murders (1984) Don’t Startle the ‘Stache, You’ll Skerritt

I remember a Christmas, when I was about twelve or thirteen, and one of my gifts from my Grandparents was a calendar of ladies in swimwear on the beach. This gift made several things go through my mind including will my mom let me keep it, how cool is my Grandpa for picking it out, and I wonder if you can see any nipples. Hey, what can I say, I was an adolescent horndog. (Who. coincidentally is grew into a middle aged horn dog, but that’s an entirely different matter.) My mother did indeed let me keep the calendar, and it hung by my bedside for the next twelve months providing me some beautiful, tan, sexy, barefoot fantasy girlfriends who obviously were on the coldest beaches of all time. Today’s film, Calendar Girl Murders, brought the memory to mind due to its title, but it really should have been the Centerfold Girl Murders to be accurate. More on that later. I chose the film because it stars one of the unsung heroes of the movie mustache  Tom Skerritt, who sadly is overshadowed by that other mustachioed Tom, Mr. Selleck. Today though, is Skerritt’s time to shine. So join me as I turn the pages of Calendar Girl Murders.

Sharky’s Machine (1981) This Machine Grows ‘Staches

If Hollywood lore is to be believed, and who am I to dispute it, when Clint Eastwood made Every Which Way But Loose, his buddy Burt Reynolds thought that Clint was stepping on his toes. Comedy, after all, was Burt’s bread and butter with a pair of Smokey and the Bandit films, The Cannonball Run, and Hooper already in the can. Burt told Clint that if Every Which Way was a hit that he’d try and one up Eastwood with his own “Dirty Harry” type character. Every Which Way was a success, and it lead Clint to do a sequel, Any Which Way You Can, before Burt could get his hard boiled cop going. In 1981, Burt finally brought his vision to life. Setting his cop tale, Sharky’s Machine, in Atlanta, Ga., near his real hometown of Waycross, Reynolds crafted a tale that was part “Dirty Harry”, but it’s hard to think that Eastwood’s character would ever be as introspective or sensitive as Burt’s Tom Sharky. So come with me to the land of many Peachtree Streets, where Southern charm meets up with big city sleaze, where one cop can make a difference, that is, if he has the right machine.

The Beverly Hills Cops: Three Directors, One ‘Stache.

Bo bo boo bobo bo bo, boo bo bo boo bobo bo bo, boo boo boo bobo bo boo boo. If you don’t recognize the tune that I just wrote down then a) you’re prose tone deaf, b) you weren't around in the 80s when it reached #3 on The Billboard Hot 100, c) you have no capacity for joy and happiness in your life, or d) any combination of the above. Well, for those out there that don’t know it, that’s “Axel F.”, the main theme from Beverly Hills Cop, today’s Movember film selection featuring the mustachioed Eddie Murphy at the height of his powers. Joining the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1980, the stand up comedian soon parlayed his success there into a film career making 48 Hours in 1982. When his co-star Nick Nolte proved too sick to host SNL as promotion for the film, Eddie became the first regular cast member to also host the show. His next film was Trading Places with SNL alum Dan Ackroyd, and this pair of hits catapulted Murphy into leading role territory. The result was a string of hits, including The Golden Child and Coming to America, that all began with one Detroit cop taking a trip to Beverly Hills. From there, a franchise and a superstar were born of the 80’s, but in the matter of a decade, Murphy and his character Axel Foley were struggling for survival. Today, I’m going to talk about all three films in the Beverly Hills Cop trilogy, each by a different director, but with one tune, one laugh, and one ’stache that holds them together.

Enter the Ninja (1981) Enter the Moustache

When you think about ninjas there are a few things that come to mind, black outfits, stealth, throwing stars, and swords just to name a few. Our hero today is a ninja apart from other ninjas. Other than wearing a white ninja suit, he also comes equipped with something that I've never thought to be standard issue ninja gear, a giant, bristly, blond moustache. Of course, I'm talking about Franco Nero in the 1981 cult classic Enter the Ninja because when you think of ninjas, you also think of Italian film stars. This film has long been a favorite of mine, and I recall watching it on Showtime over and over again when I was a lad. Cornball in portions, over the top all around, and decidedly off the wall, if it had been made after the bevy of pseudo-sequels  and imitators that followed it, then it would be easy to believe that it was parodying those same films. Enter the Ninja may have been a childhood delight, but I worried if it would hold up to adult eyes. So read on to find out if this flick is as mighty as Nero’s ‘stache promises or if it’s as plain as the area under Sho Kosugi’s nose.

Deadly Doll’s Pick: Scarecrows (1988) And Nary a Mrs. King in Sight

Welcome once again friends. If you've been keeping up with my reviews this month, then more power to you, but also, you may know, that today is the last regular review that will appear on The LBL until the Halloween night is over. That’s because starting tomorrow its all about The Bigger & Badder Halloween Top 13. That’s right 13 days of giant monster, colossal creature, and enormous animals will take over The Lair, but before I let that happen, it’s time to let someone else take over my viewing habits. That’s right it’s time once again for the old film swaparoo with my good pal Emily of The Deadly Doll’s House of Horror Nonsense. This months incredibly creative theme was Horror movies, and so for my part, I chose for her to watch Waxworks, the movie starring  Zack Galligan with 100% less Gremlins and 100% boobs, and in exchange, Emily chose for me the 1988 action-horror film Scarecrows. So come along as I see whether Scarecrows scared the stuffing out of me or if it’s nothing to crow about.

Death Spa a.k.a Witch Bitch (1989): Feel The Burn!

As most of you know, I am of course an amazing psychical specimen and I put fitness above almost all else. While I've never been named Mr. Universe, it is only my own modesty that keeps me from competing on that level. Of course, while I'm sitting around pumping iron, I like to take in as many flicks as I can to keep the old adrenalin pumping. So while I was doing some stuff today that makes Paul Ryan's workout plan look like it was for girls, I popped on my headband and popped in the 1989 flick Death Spa, which on my copy was billed as Witch Bitch. Under either title, it's a surprising gem of a film that made me really feel the burn in my horror muscle. So break out you leotards and get pumped up for Halloween. 

House of Clocks (1989) Lucio Fulci Knows What Time It Is

Back again with another slice of horror, and after tipping my hat to Dario yesterday, I thought it only fitting to talk about the other big name in Italian horror, Lucio Fulci.. The Godfather of Gore's career was winding down by the late 80s after a disastrous turn directing Zombi 3, and I expect he readily jumped at a job making a pair of Made for Italian TV films. He made two for the series, today's film House of Clocks (La casa nel tempo) and The Sweet House of Horrors. While late in his career, this is a Fulci trying to regain his game, and he did such a gory good job they wouldn't air the movies. So these went straight to a video release, which is a real shame because Fulci indeed did know what time it was. it was time for one last shot of adrenaline in a career that had hit many stumbles. So, Fulci took a moment to roll back the clocks to an earlier sharper flavor whole keeping plenty of murder, mayhem, and killer geriatrics in the 1989 film House of Clocks.

The American Scream (1988) Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Slasherness

One of the only things that are more authentically American than Mom’s apple pie is the horror comedy. I now you don’t hear them mentioned in the same sentence as often as one should, but it’s true never the less. All the way back in 1820, American author Washington Irving founded the subgenre with the slapstick tale of Ichabod Crane “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” which featured as many laughs as screams. Flash forward to the 1920s, and while horror films were some of the first made, horror-comedies were not far behind with 1922’s Ghost Breakers and 1926’s The Cat and the Canary leading the pack. In the 1940s and 50s, Abbot and Costello brought about a new realm of horror comedies with the 1941 film Hold that Ghost, and thus began a franchise which would see the comedy duo meet everyone from Frankenstein and Dracula to The Invisible Man and Boris “The Killer” Karloff. The sixties saw such titles as Roger Corman’s Little Shop of Horrors and Roman Polanski’s The Fearless Vampire Killers. However the real heyday of horror comedy was the 70s and 80s which saw diverse films such as Theater of Blood, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Love at First Bite, Motel Hell, Evil Dead, Gremlins, The Stuff, Vamp, and many, many more combine laughter and nightmares. So when I ran across a VHS copy of a horror comedy called The American Scream, from 1988 right in the thick of the sub-genre’s boom, I knew this could go one of two ways, I could be standing up to salute when the credits rolled or wondering if Homeland Security had a toll free number.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Kill Me, Tommy

After only two installments of the Halloween franchise, they tried to leave Michael Myers by the wayside with the maligned entry in the series Halloween III: Season of the Witch. While I love III (and if you haven’t seen the new edition put out by Shout! Factory you’re missing out on the best version of the film out there), the masses in general demanded their Shape, and sure enough six years later the franchise was born again in Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers. However, the man in the Shatner mask was not the only slasher whose franchise tried to leave him behind. Such was also the case in today’s film, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. Eschewing a numerical mark on this entry in the series, A New Beginning tries to become a jumping off point to leave the mythos of Mrs. Voorhees, Baghead Jason, and the hockey mask in the dust thanks to the murderous hands of Corey Feldman in Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter. We all know how well that worked out. However, director Danny Steinmann, who also wrote the film, crafted a tale which is deeply flawed, but it also manages to draw from the well from which so many slashers spring, the Italian giallo. So join me for this trip to slasher country where A New Beginning slowly and surely gives way to a new life for Jason Voorhees.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988): "The Shape" of Things To Come

First, he came home on Halloween. Then he continues his carnage late that night at the local hospital. Then he, well, he appeared on a TV in the background of a scene while the world was almost annihilated by druids with masks, and finally, despite being shot twice in the head and blown up during his last real appearance, he comes back again in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. So how did everyone’s favorite Shape come back from having his noggin blown off and being incinerated? He had the ultimate protection, poor box office receipts for the previous un-Myers edition of the franchise. So producer Moustapha Akkad wanted to go back to the well again, and Cannon films approached John Carpenter about penning a sequel, which he did, with Dennis Etchison who had penned novelizations of the series. Their script, detailing a Haddonfield reeling from the killings after banning Halloween, was rejected, and it soon lead to Carpenter, and longtime collaborator Debra Hill, exiting the series. Instead, what came next is a film that would shape the series’ arc for a number of installments and redefine Michael Myers as more supernatural force than man.

Devil Fish, Killer Crocodile, and The Great Alligator: Italian Film Takes a Bite out of Jaws

Just yesterday, June 20th, marked the 37th year since the release of Stephen Spielberg’s Jaws into the movie theaters, and so some might say I missed the anniversary. However, what I want to talk about is something that’s a bit off, or should I say took a bite off of, Jaws. Like so many trends in cinema, once the Italians got a hold of it, they took it to as many places as you could imagine. Today, I’m going to take a look at three of the many, many giant water based creature films that invaded Italian cinemas for two decades following Hollywood‘s most famous shark. Each is the effort of a different directors and features a different kind of creature, and with a wide margin of success and failure, all of them intended to imitate what the Spielberg had put on the screen. So join me as Sergio Martino, Lamberto Bava, and Fabrizio De Angelis take their shot at aquatic glory.

Little Darlings (1980): A Camp with Virgins & No Slasher?

When I was a young girl going to camp, oh wait, I’m not a young girl and I have already established I didn’t go to camp. Let me try this again. When I was a thirty something guy sitting on his couch preparing to watch a movie about young girls at camp, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The film’s two young stars were both names I recognized, but I wasn’t sure if I was in for the female version of Meatballs or something more akin to an Afterschool Special. Surprisingly it was neither, and a bit of both. The film in question is Little Darlings, a movie I had heard about, but it was long out of print and never released on DVD. I finally recorded the flick when it played on TCM a few weeks back, and heads up, it’s playing again next Saturday (6/23/12, 2:15 AM) if this review inspires you to want to check it out. I could easily now write something titillating about the film’s man conceit, a race between two girls to lose their virginity, but Little Darlings isn’t crass. It tries to paint a picture of the secret life of teen and pre-teen girls, and, at least in this old guy’s opinion, it works.

Friday the 13th Part 3: A New Dimension in Mediocrity

Camp, I’ll be the first to tell you that I never went. My one aborted effort ended up with me coming home in the middle of the night rather than staying one moment more. While some may say that I missed out, and that I would never know the joys of making a wallet or swimming in a muck filled lake, I think I’m good with that. Over the years here at the Lair, I’ve talked about a lot of campers, but I’m still making my way through the most famous group of all, alumni of Camp Crystal Lake. So today I’m turning an eye to the Voorhees clan’s hat trick, and first appearance of the hockey mask,  Friday the 13th Part 3. Presented in 3-D, or 2-D with some rather silly scenes intended for the third dimension, which is how I watched it, this third entry (like the fourth after it) was intended to bring to franchise to a close. Yet, how can it, when every year there’s a waiting list for parents looking to send their snot nosed kid off to Voorhees country for a summer of terror. As long as they keep making teens and sending them into the woods, Jason is going to be there to hack them up.

Island Claws (1980): Or, Crabs Get Fisherman in a Pinch

With summer and beaches on the mind, my stomach sometimes turns to thoughts of sea food in the warm months. While I like salmon and shrimp as much as the next fellow who doesn’t have allergies, crab, particularly in a cake or deviled form, is one of my favorite things to order. The only problem with crabs is that I could eat so many, and crab legs are always so much work compared to the reward. Sure it’s buttery and incredible, but so fleeting. Plus, let’s face it, I’m lazy. What they need to come up with is a bigger crab, and, coincidentally, the heroes of today’s film have the same aspiration. Today’s film, Island Claws, is a rare case if I’ve ever seen one. By a one time director, featuring a cast of genre bit players, and detailing what should be a ludicrous attempt at a giant monster feature, Island Claws is actually way better than it has any right to be. So break out the melted butter and grab you best claw cracker, because we’re going to need them on this trip.