Whatcha Craven?: Invitation to Hell (1994)

Yesterday, I talked about Halloween parties in my review of Murder Party, and today I have another invite on the docket, but this time, it's to Hell! (Cue sinister organ music) When Daytime's Leading Lady and the Master of Horror collide for a Movie of the Week, the results are less celebratory than you'd want, but come along with me, and Punky Brewster, on an Invitation to Hell.

Murder Party (2007): Art You Glad You Came?

As we get into the Halloween season, there is an extra worry that enters my mind. No, not how much candy to buy, how many times to watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special, or even which pop culture icon to turn into a pun based costume (The answer is not Let's Go Brandon Lee in which one dresses up like Joe Biden in Crow make-up.). There is often the extra worry of an impending Halloween party, full of acquaintances, strangers, and drunken debauchery which we both anticipate and simultaneously fear.

I've been dragged to so many last minut Pumpkin Day festivities, and you never quite know what you're going to get into. For a couple of years when I was younger, I went to a party hidden deep in the woods, down a long dark, private drive where the ambitious hosts, who were friends of friends,  had spent months hanging fake bodies from the trees and setting up gory displays. By the time I finally arrived at the trailer and bonfire, existential dread had also arrived. Thankfully, it was just a wild party with acquaintances in the woods, and it wasn't some kind of Murder Party.

10 Lesser Known Halloween TV Episodes

When I was a kid, I anticipated the Halloween specials that would air just like everyone else, but I also had a special affinity for Halloween episodes of my favorite shows.  While a number of recent shows have had beloved Spooky season themed eps, I thought I'd look back at a few lesser known ones from the spooky hallows of television history. 

Left Turn at Albuquerque: The Wrong Turn Franchise

When I started this project, I actually thought I hadn't seen the first Wrong Turn. Even going into it, it seemed both familiar and completely new. By the end of the film, I realized that I had not only seen it once, I'd probably seen it a good half dozen times over the years. With performances from some of my favorites, Jeremy Sisto (Six Feet Under), Desmond Harrington (Dexter) and Eliza Dushku (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), it shouldn't have been a surprise that I'd seen the flick before. What really surprised me was that such a nondescript slasher could have spawned a franchise of four more films. So, feeling pretty safe in the assumption that I hadn't seen the other four flicks, I strapped in for a work week of Wrong Turn films to see where the franchise stayed between the lines and where it took some detours onto shaky ground. 

Paranormal Activity 5: The Marked Ones- This Time With 94% Less Annoying White People

I have a complicated history with the Paranormal Activity franchise. While I deeply enjoyed the first film, perhaps due to viewing it opening night in a packed theater, I've skipped out on subsequent installments due to my aversion to found footage movies and continuing stories about unpleasant, middle class, white people (I'm looking at you Katie and Micah.) When I heard the fifth installment would leave behind the main storyline and instead tell a tale of witchcraft, demons, and possession with a Latin slant, I knew I was going to jump on board for another round. I'm glad I did. Paranormal Activity 5: The Marked Ones is far from a perfect film, but with engaging characters, an original storyline, and even a clever callback to the first film, it gets Paranormal enough to get Marked highly by me. 

Return from Death a.k.a Frankenstein 2000 (1991) Joe D'Amato Brings Horror to Life

Despite the fact that the phrase an "average Joe" remains in the lexicon of colloquialisms, in the last thirty years the name Joe has taken a drastic drop in popularity. It seems that the average on "Joe" just isn't what it used to be. Speaking of Joes that'd defy the average, there's one that I like who frequently has highs and lows above a median line, and that is Joe D'Amato. Born Aristide Massaccesi, the Italian exploitation master, who hid out under a number of Nom de plumes apart from his adopted moniker,  made an incredible string of almost 200 films before he died in 1999 at the age of sixty-two. While most of them ranged from soft-core to hard-core to oh, my, is it okay to film that?, D'Amato is best known for his horror movies, specifically Antropohagus, Buio Omega, and Absurd, but there was one that has somehow flown under my radar. So join me as Joe takes us on a futuristic ride, which looks like the 80s despite being filmed in the 90s, this is Return from Death (Ritorno Dallas morte) a.k.a Frankenstein 2000. 

Frankenstein 1970 (1958) Karloff of Future Past.

While there's little better in life than movies from the past that take a shot of what life will be like in the future, there's really nothing better than when they get brazen enough to tack the futuristic year at the end of their title. This traps the movie or TV show into a path where it can't escape feeling dated, and, quite often, this leads future viewers to see the work as nothing more than a campy projection, like how incredibly behind the times Disney's "Futureworld" looks next to the ’80s era exhibits at Epcot center. Today's film definitely falls into that trap, unless there's been a catalog with home nuclear reactors available for purchase in the past forty three years. However, it does hit on some things that were surely 70s, interest in the occult, rampant narcissism, the dominance of TV, and the fact that no matter what era it is Boris Karloff is the man. Some twenty seven years after Karloff portrayed the monster in James Whale's 1931 Frankenstein, he returned to the laboratory, but not with a bolted neck. Instead, he portrayed a descendant of the creature's creator in the 1958 film that imagines mad science at work twenty two years into the future. This is Frankenstein 1970.

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #1: Don't Look Now (1973)

For my final "don't" of the Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair countdown, I've chosen Don't Look Now, the 1973 film by Nicolas Roag. It's seriously excellent, but seeing as I didn't get it up by Halloween and won't be able to write a deconstruction better than the one on Wikipedia, I don't think I'm going to do a full review on this one. Though Don't Torture a Duckling gave Don't Look Now some serious competition, Roag's artful deconstruction of grief and loss are truly a cinematic feat. However, it wasn't that much fun to watch. Some of the lesser titles on this list provide more silly enjoyment than the bleakness of my top 2 picks, and Halloween is more of a time for fun than depressing movies about dead children. So that wraps it up for this year, and next year I hope you all join me back here for more Halloween madness. Until then, reviews commence as normal within the next couple of days. Thanks to everyone who took time out to read and comment on my Halloween countdown selections.

Bugg Rating

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #2: Don't Torture a Duckling (1972)

While yesterdays duo of “Don’t”s had the most ubiquitous message when they assured, somewhat misleadingly, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.  Today’s film, coming in at Number 2 on the countdown, comes from Italian horror master Lucio Fulci, and, in the inverse, it has an impenetrable title which only viewing the film will explain. Popularly known as Don’t Torture a Duckling, the original Italian title, Non si sevizia un paperino, actually translates more literally as Don’t Torture Donald Duck, but even in an age where Escape from Tomorrow is a film that gets released, it is hard to imagine the litigious House of Mouse letting that kind of title fly. Coming off three solid thrillers, Lizard in a Woman’s Skin, One on Top of Another, and Beatrice Cenci, Don’t Torture a Duckling was the first of his films to really delve deep into a horror, albeit a human one. It also marks Fulci’s first real foray into gore while he was still at the top of his giallo game. Lucio reportedly named it as his favorite among his catalog, and I have to admit in advance that it ranks pretty high up there for me. I was actually surprised I had yet to review it as I've watched it a good half dozen times. So, I suppose do what you want to a calf, a kitten, a puppy, a chick, or a fawn, but whatever you do Don’t Torture a Duckling.

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #4 & #3: Don't Be Afraid of theDark (1973 & 2010)

Perhaps the most universal of the "Don't" titles is the rather parental advice, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. At one time or another, in our childhood or a particularly vulnerable moment of our adult lives, we have all been afraid of the thing that goes bump in the night. No matter if we thought it was a burglar or the boogieman, it still sends the heart racing and the stress level up to feel at the mercy of something unexpected in the inky blackness. Perhaps that's what makes both versions of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark so effective that they come in at numbers four and three on the Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair Halloween countdown. The original, a made for TV film, and the remake, hewn under the watchful eye of  Guillermo Del Toro, are similar films that execute the basic plot with near equal competence, but each delivers a unique satisfying experience for genre film fans. So today, it's all treats and no tricks when The Bugg turns the lights down low for a double feature of miniature terror, so come along, don't be afraid, and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.  

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #5: Don't Go in the House (1979)

So far on the Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair Halloween countdown, we've been told to don't go in the woods (twice), don't scream, don't sleep, don't look in the basement or open the door, and now, worst of all, we can't even go in the house. At this time of year, when the nights get chilly, I know the place I want to be most is ensconced in my house with a warm mug of cider and a roaring fire in the fireplace. I never seem to have any cider and the Lair didn't come with a fire place, but it still sounds like a good idea to be inside curled up with a good movie. Coming in at number five on the countdown, Don't Go in the House, about a young man with aspirations to be the next H.H. Holmes crossed with Norman Bates and the bad guy from Backdraft, has the kind of horror heat to keep you toasty on these nippy nights. 

Don't Go in the Lightning. Bug's Lair #6: Don't Go to Sleep (1982)

As the ghosts and hobgoblins of the Halloween season draw ever closer, one might find it harder to bed down for the night. This could be out of superstitious fright or it could be because the wee small hours are the best occasion for watching scary movies. Likely, for most folks, the sleepless nights aren't caused by the specter of a deceased sibling who may have returned for diabolical purposes. However, that's just the issue in today's film, the 1982, star studded, made for TV creepfest, Don't Go to Sleep. I don't know what was in the water at the TV studios in the 70s and 80s, but, while today's TV films are either laughably bad (Lifetime, I'm looking at you.) or bloated messes ballooned out to a mini-series format, there was a magic to many of the old TV gems. In the case of Don't Go to Sleep, it was definitely a dark magic indeed. 

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #7: Don't Open the Door (1974)

When I think about the phrase "Don't Open the Door" usually Mormons spring to mind almost immediately, but, today, I'm not here to talk about the bad news that someone is trying to give you the good news. I'm here to talk about S.F. Brownrigg once again. Earlier today, I talked about his film Don't Look in the Basement, a film which came  to prominence when it was paired with Wes Craven's Last House on the Leftas a double feature. Like any good exploitation opportunist, Brownrigg didn't let a good thing go to waste. So he returned with another "Don't" title leaving him in the unique position of being the only director to appear on this countdown twice. It can certainly be said that when opportunity knocked S.F. did open that door. So join me as I place my hand on the knob of exploitation cinema (there's a terrible phrase for my U.K based readers) and dare to disobey the titular directions, Don't Open the Door.

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #8: Don't Look in the Basement (1973)

Unlike Number 12 on the countdown, Don't Scream, Doris Mays, I didn't have to resort to an alternate title to get this film on the list. Neatly, it did it for me. Made under the title The Forgotten, the film was retitled Don't Look in the Basement when it came to prominence paired with Last House on the Left as a drive-in double feature. It even shared the tag line "It's Only a Movie" on some iterations of the film's poster. The problem is looking in the basement is paired with looking like it was filmed and developed in a basement, but it also shares another quality with a subterranean layer. Quite often you find something interesting, odd and forgotten down there yearning to see the light of day. So join me for a stroll down the stairs of madness, when I throw caution to the wind and ignore all my instincts that tell me Don't Look in the Basement.  

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #9: Don't Answer the Phone (1980)

Welcome back to the Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair Halloween countdown. Today I'm talking about a "don't" that everyone is familiar with, Don't Answer the Phone. There's a myriad of reasons not to answer your phone, and nowadays in the  cellular era, it's easier than ever to ignore calls from unwanted dialers, but when today's film was made , it was difficult to surmise who was on the other end of the landline. There are so many reasons one would want to skip on answering a call; bill collectors, ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, parents, work, telemarketers, and political parties all belong on the list. However, there's one reason I didn't mention, if your caller is a crazy psycho who likes to call and tell you about his crimes. That's not something that plagues most people, but for the main character in today's film, it is a concern that is foremost in her mind as she ignores the titular advice to Don't Answer the Phone.  

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #10: Don't Go Near the Park (1979)

Many of the features on this countdown will tell not to go in places, but only one of them will tell you not to even go near it. That film comes in at #10 on the Don’t Go in the Lightning Bug’s Lair and it wants you to know not to go near it. That’s right.  You can’t even go near it, much less in it. How near is too near though? Can I go within a few feet of it or do I need to stay a few blocks back? Perhaps I need to stay a few miles away. It’s unclear. What is clear is that wherever there are ancient cave people trying to preserve their everlasting life, that might well be somewhere that you don’t want to go near. Worse yet, it’s a nice public space where you might want to go for a picnic or to walk your dog, but it’s probably best if you do what the movie title says and Don’t Go Near the Park.

Don't Go Into The Lightning Bug's Lair #12: Don’t Scream, Doris Mays (1965)

I can see you haven’t heeded the creepy, crazy old man’s warning when he told you, “Don’t Go in the Lightning Bug’s Lair”, and I’m sure glad you didn’t because I have the second entry in my Halloween countdown to share with you. In the wake of Hitchcock’s Psycho, a number of films took a similar tact to try and cash in on the serial killer motif. William Castle even went to the well twice with his features Homicidal and Straight Jacket, both spins on the loose psychological theorizing that had tied up Hitch’s film so neatly. Castle wasn't the only one to see potential, and in 1965, John Bushelman, an editor with limited film experience, undertook a script from a first time screenwriter that took one of the major elements of Norman Bates’ mental problems and, by way of Ed Wood, filtered it into a film known as Day of the Nightmare. For the purposes of this list though, I’m going to talk about it under its alternate title which was used as it barnstormed around the country from drive in to drive in, and that title was Don’t Scream, Doris Mays.

Don't Go In The Lightning Bug's Lair #13: Don't Go In the Woods (2010)

Seeing as you've ignored the warning sign and come right on into the Lair, I guess it is only fair that I share with you the first entry in the Don't Go In The Lightning Bug's Lair Halloween countdown. Before I start talking about today's flick, the Vincent D'Onofrio helmed Don't Go in the Woods, let me remind you again that there was a "Don't" film that didn't make this countdown. When I first read about this film, the idea of a slasher musical intrigued me in the best way. I suppose I had visions of Brian De Palma's musical horror Phantom of the Paradise rumbling around in my head, but again, this was directed by D'Onofrio not De Palma and the songs, well, they could have used some serious help from Paul Williams. Unfortunately, when it comes to this slasher, the execution of the victims isn't done any better than the execution of the whole film. That is to say, it isn't done very well at all. 

The Laughing Dead (1989) What's So Funny About (Priest's Love And Aztec Resurrection)

I've seen movies with zombies. I've seen movies with mad scientists. I've seen movies with Priests that have lost their path. I've even seen movies where the Aztec people attempt to resurrect their culture. And I have seen plenty of movies where students on a field trip get menaced by any number of things. What I had never seen was a climax that boiled down to a basketball game that turns into a Ray Harryhausen style monster brawl, but that's just what The Laughing Dead delivered. Perhaps that's what happens when you get a Thai-American avant garde composer, poet,  and science fiction and horror novelist in the director's chair. Billed under a shortened version of his full name, Somtow Sucharitkul, in literary circles he would be known better as author S.P. Somtow. The first time director, writer, and star fashioned am intriguingly cheesy vision that both captured the flavor of early 80s horror fiction and the spirit of the cheapo horror feature. So come with me and let's have a few chuckles with The Laughing Dead.

Bad Milo (2013) Sometimes It Takes Guts.

So today's review is going to get a little personal. It's going to get deep, and by deep I mean that deep down churning feeling when guts twist and distend, when the abdomen cramps and the body heaves into a cold sweat. Everyone has felt it from time to time. Food poisoning and sickness cam often bring such a condition on, but for an unlucky few, allergies or stress can cause such an episode and really put a damper on general existence. I myself have had a lifelong intolerance of the lactose variety. Certainly there are ways to avoid milk, soy or rice alternatives, the Lactaid products, balancing probiotics, but no matter what, let's face it, milk is delicious, and it's in everything. So generally, I just deal with it. I might not eat cereal or milk all the time, but cheese, you've had cheese, right? That's some good stuff.

Over the years this has lead to much consideration of my bowels, and at one point in my life, I faced the inevitability of ulcers if I didn't change my diet and reduce stress. I had been going through intestinal spasming, which is as fun feeling as it is to think about. With changes to my eating habits and less fucks given than ever before, I managed to avoid further complications and drink less milkshakes. (This really ruins things when I go to a There Will Be Blood themed party.) By now, you have to be wondering why you're reading so much about my gastroenterological woes, and there is a good reason. I think it puts be in a special place to talk about today's film, Bad Milo, because like myself, part of the film's protagonist is intolerant, but, instead of a tummy ache, part of his tummy puts the hurt on someone else.