Left Turn at Albuquerque: The Wrong Turn Franchise

When I started this project, I actually thought I hadn't seen the first Wrong Turn. Even going into it, it seemed both familiar and completely new. By the end of the film, I realized that I had not only seen it once, I'd probably seen it a good half dozen times over the years. With performances from some of my favorites, Jeremy Sisto (Six Feet Under), Desmond Harrington (Dexter) and Eliza Dushku (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), it shouldn't have been a surprise that I'd seen the flick before. What really surprised me was that such a nondescript slasher could have spawned a franchise of four more films. So, feeling pretty safe in the assumption that I hadn't seen the other four flicks, I strapped in for a work week of Wrong Turn films to see where the franchise stayed between the lines and where it took some detours onto shaky ground. 

Paranormal Activity 5: The Marked Ones- This Time With 94% Less Annoying White People

I have a complicated history with the Paranormal Activity franchise. While I deeply enjoyed the first film, perhaps due to viewing it opening night in a packed theater, I've skipped out on subsequent installments due to my aversion to found footage movies and continuing stories about unpleasant, middle class, white people (I'm looking at you Katie and Micah.) When I heard the fifth installment would leave behind the main storyline and instead tell a tale of witchcraft, demons, and possession with a Latin slant, I knew I was going to jump on board for another round. I'm glad I did. Paranormal Activity 5: The Marked Ones is far from a perfect film, but with engaging characters, an original storyline, and even a clever callback to the first film, it gets Paranormal enough to get Marked highly by me. 

Riddle (2013) What is Radiant, Lustrous, And Attached To Your Huckleberry? Val Kilmer's Ponytail

Synopsis: A few years back, Nathan Teller (Ryan Malgarini) vanished. The shy, socially awkward boy had taken a ride with a couple of boys from the town of Riddle and just vanished into thin air when they stopped at a gas station.  His sister Holly (Elisabeth Harnois) has yet to give up hope, and when she returns home from college for a visit, she believes she sees Nathan in a truck heading to Riddle. Along with the two boys that lost her brother, she begins to investigate, but what she finds will uncover unpleasant truths about her own life and the whereabouts of her brother.

Review: I have to admit that I watched Riddle because of Fat Val Kilmer. Ok, sure, he's probably not all that fat, but compared to his lean years when he was playing Doc Holliday, he's looking more like Veruca Salt on her way to the squeezing room than anyone's Huckleberry. Sadly, Val isn't in this much. He makes an appearance as the do-nothing sheriff who sports a ponytail, but that is about the extent of his role. The other name actor, William Sadler, fares little better, but he does have one good dramatic moment before cashing in his check. 

Riddle is really a story about the younger players, and the Southern Gothic tale it spins, one of a town, already impoverished by the loss of the local mental hospital, dealt its final blows in the ongoing hunt for Nathan Teller. I really liked the look of the setting. The boarded up Appalachian town looks like many  run down communities that I've passed though over the years. There's a quaint feeling that seems to lay on the surface, but underneith, you can almost feel the sense of loss as it pervades the boarded up windows. Sadly, that's where the best of Riddle lies, in the look of the town of Riddle. The rest of the film flounders with little conflict until the last twenty or so minutes, and the only other real moment of menace is over and done with so quickly,  without really adding anything to the plot, that it feels throwaway. 

Elisabeth Harnois, who is apparently one of the leads on CSI (I'm not sure I've ever watched that.), does well enough as the tour turned sister, but it would have liked to seen her be a little stronger. When confronted by adversity or danger,her character generally cried or ran when I wanted her to fight. Not really her fault, but it left me less drawn in by the character than I would have liked. The other female lead, the sherriff's daughter played by Diora Baird, was much more what I wanted out of the main character, and Baird has some genre cred having appeared in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Begining as well as Night of the Demons (2009) and Stan Helsing. The two male leads were so disposable that I hardly remember what they did in the film. 

The real problem with Riddle is that there was no riddle. From the moment Holly sees her brother in town, the audience knows she will be reunited with him by the time the credits roll. While it vaguely hints at some supernatural mysteries, these are never explored, and that leaves no diverting paths or red herrings to follow. A clever viewer will figure out the whole scenario by twenty to thirty minutes into the film, and it leaves little surprises from there. Except Val, and how big he has gotten, and the fact that 50 Cent didn't co-star with him this time. Which is, naturally, a shame. 

Final Note: The only town in the United States named 'Riddle' is in Oregon. This film was not set in Oregon. It is possible Val ate Oregon. 

Rating:4/10 

The Mountie (2011): The Gritty Remake of Dudley Do-Right We've All BeenWaiting For

Synopsis: Wade Grayling (Andrew Walker) is a disgraced Mountie. A former opium addict who shot an innocent while 'chasing the dragon', he is sent to the Yukon Territory for a surveying mission as punishment. While there, he stumbles across a burgeoning trade in the harvest of poppies being run by Lithianian immigrants and tries to single handedly bring law to the frontier. 

Review: I have to admit that I watched this Western (And, yes, it is a Western, America doesn't get dibs) merely because of the novelty of the Mountie main character.  As the only other depictions I had to go off of were Brenden Fraiser in Dudley Do-Right and his cartoon predecessor, it's not like I had such a wonderful example of the lawmen who supposedly "always get their man."  To a degree, The Mountie changes this perception, amd  with a few minor tweaks. It could have been quite the wonderful film. 

Unfortunatly. Andrew Walker channels Clint Eastwood almost all the way through the film, and wile I'm sure it is impressive that a Canadian Mountie in the past can do a vocal impression of a future American star, it took something away from what could have been a very unique character. Some moments, namely anything with the villainous Lithuanians, were quite good giving a flavor and character that was both historically accurate and compelling. The weakest moments came from the standard love storyline sandwiched into an already crowded plot. Running under ninety minutes, The Mountie (a.k.a. The Way of the West or The Lawman) is a welcome diversion that doesn't quite get it's man, but it does come close. 

Final Note: There was no syrup or pouting in this movie.So, if it wasn't for The Mountie, I wouldn't know it was Canada. 

Rating: 6.5/10

Frozen (2013) The Bugg Wants to Build a Snowman!

Synopsis: When princesses Elsa (Idina Menzel) and Anna (Kristen Bell) were children, Elsa endangered her sister’s life with her magical ice powers. Her parents taught her to keep her ability a secret, locked away, but when Anna announces her engagement to a man she’s just met. Elsa loses control and retreats to an ice castle in the mountains leaving the entire area in a deep freeze.

Review: As a 38 year old man with no children, I often put off or don't watch many of these animated features, but I have to admit I enjoyed Frozen immensely. The story takes a springboard from Hans Christian Andersons’ The Snow Queen and diverts it with engaging songs, crisp animation, and thrilling action sequences. The songs are the real highlight with “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” and “Let it Go” building the dramatic moments with “In Summertime” and “Fixer Upper” providing the laughs.

I don't know Veronica Mars from Betty Jupiter, but Kristen Bell was perfectly plucky as Anna. Idina Menzel sells her character’s tortured isolation, and Josh Graf provides good laughs as the snowman Olaf while Firefly and Tucker vs. Dale alum Alan Tudyk gives a good twist on the Prince Charming role. The songs were stuck in my head for hours, and, for once, I wished I had children if only for an excuse to watch it again.

Final Note: Adele Dazeem appears uncredited. Source: John Travolta.

Rating:: 9/10

Bad Milo (2013) Sometimes It Takes Guts.

So today's review is going to get a little personal. It's going to get deep, and by deep I mean that deep down churning feeling when guts twist and distend, when the abdomen cramps and the body heaves into a cold sweat. Everyone has felt it from time to time. Food poisoning and sickness cam often bring such a condition on, but for an unlucky few, allergies or stress can cause such an episode and really put a damper on general existence. I myself have had a lifelong intolerance of the lactose variety. Certainly there are ways to avoid milk, soy or rice alternatives, the Lactaid products, balancing probiotics, but no matter what, let's face it, milk is delicious, and it's in everything. So generally, I just deal with it. I might not eat cereal or milk all the time, but cheese, you've had cheese, right? That's some good stuff.

Over the years this has lead to much consideration of my bowels, and at one point in my life, I faced the inevitability of ulcers if I didn't change my diet and reduce stress. I had been going through intestinal spasming, which is as fun feeling as it is to think about. With changes to my eating habits and less fucks given than ever before, I managed to avoid further complications and drink less milkshakes. (This really ruins things when I go to a There Will Be Blood themed party.) By now, you have to be wondering why you're reading so much about my gastroenterological woes, and there is a good reason. I think it puts be in a special place to talk about today's film, Bad Milo, because like myself, part of the film's protagonist is intolerant, but, instead of a tummy ache, part of his tummy puts the hurt on someone else.

Die, Develkok, Die (2012): Running With the Develkok

These days, looking an an indie film is a treacherous proposition. While the advent of cheaper technology has leveled the playing field and allowed everyone to grab a camera and make a film if they so desire, it also means that anyone can grab a camera and make a film if they so desire. For that very reason, and because I have sat through some real travesties over the years, I shy away from low budget efforts more often than not. For every one film that might be good, there always seem to be twenty more by Bill Zebub, or worse yet an imitator of his, waiting round the corner with a bag of offensive jokes, some substandard gore, and the vaguest stab at a plot. 

However, when the director of today's film, Mike Dobrzelecki, approached me to check out his first directorial effort, Die, Develkok, Die, all those indie film reservations faded away. You see, I've been following Mike for the last two years as he's made this labor of love, and, in the interest of full disclosure, he's been a longtime friend of the LBL going way back. Rest assured loyal Lair-ers, The Bug doesn't just give out good reviews for nothing just because someone is my friend. You've got to have the long green if you want to see my payola price list,  and let's face it, indie guys like Mike just don't have it to spare. They need to put it all on the screen, and when that happens, it's the best payoff of all.

Terrifying Tuesday: The Purge (2013)

There are many ways to unsettle or frighten an audience in the world of cinema. There are probably as many as there are people because there is no telling what might be scary to one person or another. Lately I've talked about films that use sound as the device to horrify, and films with such disturbing visions that the interpretation of the horrific acts are left open to the viewer. Today's film chilled me down to the bone with the utterance of four little words. The Purge, another horror flick pulled together on a meager budget (The Blair Witch method, but with name actors this go round.) pulled in big bucks at the box office, but reviews were mixed and I remained skeptical. It sounded like a mix between The Hunger GameS and The Strangers, both of which were better when they were called Battle Royale and Ils respectively, and I might have taken a pass entirely. Then I heard a little of the political subtext, and while I still wasn't intrigued by seeing any movies with Ethan Hawke as my protagonist, I thought I'd purge myself of doubt and give The Purge a shot. 

Hey, Girl, Hauer You Doin'?: Dario Argento's Dracula 3D (2013)

As promised, all the most popular features of the LBL's storied five year history are coming back for this month, and I thought I'd kick it off with one that I always loved doing, the tribute to one of my favorite bad asses, Rutger Hauer. So, yes, it is once again time to ask the eternal question, Hey, Girl, Hauer You Doin'? In the light of today's film, it may be a most prescient question indeed. Once upon a time, the idea of Dario Argento making a version of Dracula with Rutger Hauer attached as Van Helsing would have made me giddy as a ballet school girl before her untimely and gruesome demise. That time was the first five minutes after I learned that such a film was in production. Directly after, internally, I began picking apart the virtual movie I had yet to see, and by the time I was done, what I came up with was worse than Giallo and The Card Player spliced together and run backwards. While that might be a slight improvement over either of those films, there's part of me that looks back at Argento's glory with a longing to see him do it again. Dracula was, after all, one of the most classic of horror stories, and Tod Browning and Bela Lugosi's version was the horror tale on which I had cut my teeth. I entered into the film willingly (and thankfully not in 3D which I loathe) and hoped for the best. By the best, I mean that I knew Rutger would show up sooner or later. 

Only God Forgives (2013) Refn and Gosling's Grudge Match

I have to hand it to Ryan Gosling. The Mickey Mouse Club alum has crafted a career built off finely selected indies with just enough major studio work to still keep his finger in it. Meanwhile, outsider director Nicolas Winding Refn has made his name by being stridently independent and preserving his particular vision on the screen. When the two came together in Drive (2011), it was a match made in cinematic heaven. Gosling’s restrained performance was the perfect balance to Refn’s violent story rife with neon imagery. Refn had originally wanted Only God Forgives to be their first film together, but Gosling convinced him to do Drive first, a good choice as it maintained a high quality cinematic feel while being accessible as well as scoring commercially and critically. Only God Forgives will be a more divisive film (though Drive had plenty of detractors) as evidenced by the fact that it got booed after its premiere at Cannes, but I was interested to see for myself whether the sins of Refn and Gosling could be absolved or if it was time for their partnership to be dissolved.

Berberian Sound Studio (2012) Mi senti adesso? Mi senti adesso?

Modern cinema is the marriage of sound and vision. So is David Bowie if you ask him, but that's an entirely different story. However, it is not merely the advent of the spoken word that made film into such a transformative experience. It was also the click of a woman's heels, the whip of the wind through the trees, the score rising as an awful sound denotes the ripping of flesh. These atmospheric elements are happening all the time as we take in a movie, and often we don't even realize that these tiny moments are pushing our viewing experience, making it come alive. Today's selection, Berberian Sound Studio exists in the behind the scenes magic that makes these kind of cinematic moments possible. It also engenders something of the dangers when they become all too real and the experience too visceral. It almost comes as no surprise that the particular genre of film being made at the titular studio is an Italian giallo.

Jug Face (2012) Is a Horror Movie, While Facejugs Is a Strip Club Activity

A Jughead is Archie's best friend who can't eat enough burgers, and a Jarhead is a nickname for a Marine. However, a Jug Face is something entirely different. The term generally refers to a tale of Appalachian pottery where an ugly face as sculpted into a jug that often contained moonshine or poison. In the instance of today's film, these same kinds of jugs are depicted as omens, and if your mug shows up on one, well, it's not a good thing. I actually got clued in on this movie by an artist friend of mine who specializes in making jug face pottery (and Goatse coffee mugs, best not to dwell on what that looks like), and it is my sincere hope that he never gets captured by a band of backwoods people who want to use him as their seer. Jug Face is at its core a backwoods thriller, but what it has to say about the dangers of blind devotion, well, it's a mixed message, but one I think doesn't get said often enough. So come with me while I explore whether Jugface had a good head on its shoulders or if it’s merely the pits. 

American Mary (2012) Mary, Mary, Why you Buggin'?

I always worry about medical students. After all, there is a fine line between “I want to cut this guy open and save him” and “I want to cut this guy open and mess around in his bits for shits and giggles“. While both parties might think slicing open the human body is a fun time, I do wonder who gets more out of it, the surgeon who is paid big bucks or the killer who does it just for the enjoyment. The lead character of the Soska Sister's second film, American Mary, walks a number of fine lines, morally, sexually, and professionally over the course of the film. It is the lead character's ability to navigate these split hair differences (for better or worse) that propels the action and this thriller, yes, thriller, toward a blood drenched conclusion. So come with me as I slice my way into the world of underground surgery, body modification, and lots and lots of blood that is American Mary.

A Horrible Way to Die (2010): A Hell of A Way to Live

When someone is called "the future of horror", I generally scoff and say, "Yes, yes, I'm familiar with Ty West.", but I think for a change I've found someone who I may tentatively apply the dubious title. The director I'm talking about is Adam Wingard. After being impressed but his storytelling in the V/H/S 2 segment Phase 1 Clinical Trials, I went looking for what other films he had directed. Turns out, I had already seen on,  Home Sick with Bill Mosley. While that film had some coherency problems as I recall, I didn't rather enjoy the dark spin on wish fulfillment. Poking around through my streaming services, I noticed that Wingard's A Horrible Way to Die was being featured and without even checking the synopsis I gave it a shot. What I got was not at all really what I expected, but rather something more mature and stylish than I would have thought a young director, or even one with moderate experience, could undertake. 

V/H/S 2 (2013): The Clamshell from Hell

The original title of V/H/S 2 was the more fitting S-V/H/S, named for the improved tape that quickly upgraded home video quality, but for my money they might as well call this one V/H/S and go back and call the first installment BetaMax. The sequel is an improvement overall in the average of the stories, but in the end, it still doesn't add up to a solid anthology horror film. The highs pitch higher than before, and the segments that work really work. One of the other main improvements was the wraparound segments  actually culminated into something (actually something pretty great) to end the film. It didn't feel like a complete throwaway just there to stitch together film film. Most anthology horror movies don't pull that off to my satisfaction, and with just enough intriguing mythos into the effects of the film's collection of tapes, the writers were smart enough to tease out more backstory while leaving more to show in future installments. From here on out I'm going to give super briefs reviews of the segments. I can't say much because when dealing with these short segments the twists they turn on are generally right at the surface.

Elf-Man (2012) It’s a Bird. It’s a Plane! It’s Wee-Man Vs. Re-Animator?

December is finally here, and as readers of the LBL know, I always enjoy watching all the naughty and nice that holiday films have to give. So that means I have to take a lot of risks at time, and today’s film certainly was one. What I didn't expect was that it would have so many connections that were right in my wheelhouse and, most shockingly of all, that it would actually be kind of, in a way, alright. Boy, that would look great as a blurb on the poster on a poster for Elf-Man. My first exposure to the film was seeing a two by three picture for it on my local Redbox, and the title caught my eye instantly. It sounded like the original, overly descriptive title for Will Ferrell’s Elf, and visions of a knock off film danced in my head like the much talked about sugar plums. When it slid out of the machine, I had no idea Elf-Man starred the shortest member of the Jackass crew as well as having connections to House, House II: The Second Story, and Re- Animator. However it would become a light, almost magical Christmas treat.

The Innkeepers (2011) We’ll Leave the Spectral Light on For You

Two years ago, when I reviewed Ti West’s House of the Devil, I gave the film a 4 out of 5 and praised the director for his period setting, even tone, and use of suspense despite my wish that a little more had been held back. Since that time, I haven't heard much from the one time savior of horror since. I intentionally missed out on Cabin Fever 2 as West was loudly displeased with the film, and unlike everyone else in the horror reviewing world, somehow I have yet to see V/H/S so I can't comment on his segment there. In one way it is promising that West hasn't started turning films out meat grinder style to cash in on the cachet of his name while he can, but I have wanted to see what West had in store for a his next, non-sequel vision. As I am always running behind on new releases, I'm just getting a chance to catch up with the answer to my wonder, West’s The Innkeepers. Combining comedy and horror effectively while still playing around in the 80s horror format that West so clearly loves, he delivers another stunningly deep entry into the horror genre. To discuss the film today, I will be dealing in some spoilers, but rest assured I will let everyone know before I go there and deploy my patented Bugg method for spoilery secrets. So come with me on a trip with Mr. West to a small Connecticut town and the Yankee Pedler, the setting for The Innkeepers.

Rosewood Lane (2011): or The Paperboy Vs. Rose McGowan

When you name a horror movie after a street, then you’re making kind of a ballsy move. The whole horror street market has kind of been cornered by a certain Mr. Kruger after all, but then if you make it a film about a killer paperboy than you’re really just trying to show what kind of cojones you have. However if there’s any director who can surely be easily attributed such a trait it is Victor Salva. From his discovery by Coppola which lead to the strange piece of cinema called Powder to a pair of Jeepers Creepers films, and soon to be a third, he has blazed a trail as a film maker of distinct vision if nothing else. Salva seems to have a fascination with making the antique extra creepy. Think about the signature tune in Jeepers Creepers, and you’re sent back to an era where paperboys abounded. Maybe it’s just where I've lived, but I don’t think kids on bikes delivering papers exist anymore. In fact I never remember anything like it in my lifetime. An evil paperboy is central to the concept of the newest film from Salva, Rosewood Lane.

The Wicker Tree (2010) Now Available In Pier 1’s Everywhere

The October horror train keeps on rolling, and it’s come to a stop in belated sequel city. I’m not sure there has been a sequel to any film that had a delay of thirty seven years between the first and second film releases, but I know Robin Hardy has just been way, way too busy to climb back in the director’s chair. After 1973’s The Wicker Man, a classic cult horror film that really delves into a different area of horror than most film, Robin waited thirteen years before directing his next feature The Fantasist. Then he… well, frankly I don’t know what Mr. Hardy has been puttering around doing for the last 23 years, but it had something to do with writing a spiritual sequel to The Wicker Man in the form of a novel, the 2006 release Cowboys for Christ. When I first hear rumor of today’s film, it was in production under the same name as the title, and the brief synopsis involving Texan evangelicals getting mixed up with Scottish pagans was enough to pique my interest. However, when the film arrived under the sequelish name The Wicker Tree, my interest waned. The title, perhaps foisted on him to secure financing (or perhaps of his own decision, I could never find a clear answer) took all the punch out of the film making it look like a wan grab for cash by reusing the ‘Wicker’ name, and after Nic Cage had gotten done with it, that hardly even seems like the best plan. Never the less, I decided to check back into the world previously dominated by Lord Summerisle, who does make an appearance here linking the two films, and see if The Wicker Tree made me want to scream “Oh, Jesus. Oh, God Noooooooo!” or if I’d just rather watch dudes in bear costumes beating up chicks

The Reeds (2010): Donna, Rex, Lou, and Oliver Terrorize the British!

Despite what the title of the review says, I will tell you right up front that a 50’s home maker, a movie reviewer, a rock legend, and one of the UK’s top drunks are not the big evil in tonight’s film. Instead, it is a tale of a weekend getaway gone wrong. Which begs the question, why would anyone go for a jaunty out of town trip with their friends ever? I mean have people not seen what happens when you try and have a relaxing weekend? It always ends up with ghosts or killers in masks made of human skin or cannibals running a motel. It’s nothing but bad business I tell you. It’s even badder business when you take your knucklehead friends out on a boat to cruise down a small river. That never ends up well, and for the characters in today’s thoroughly British horror tale, well, on all levels it just doesn’t turn out well. So come with me on this little trip to The Reeds which is surprisingly not a film about killer woodwind instruments.