Hey, Girl. Hauer You Doin'?: Ladyhawke (1985)

Welcome back to the second week of Rutger lovin' that I'm calling Hey Girl. Hauer You Doin'? If you missed last week, go back and catch up on our man Mr. Hauer in New World Disorder.as he struggles as an out of step gumshoe in a technical world  This week whisks Rutger off to another time and place, a land of mystery and wonder, a place where you might meet a lady who is also, get this, a hawk. I have a very distinct memory of being at one of the first science fiction conventions I had ever attended and sitting around a hotel room, with a bunch of strangers, watching Ladyhawke. This was around 1991 or so folks, and I have to admit that while I liked Ladyhawke okay, I had another thought in my teenage mind. Chicks dug Ladyhawke, and the room was packed with a gaggle of girls, most of whom would have shared the last name Half-Elven. Now I was about as cool as a Halfling back then, so I didn't even get half-way to talking to any of the gals in cloaks and fringed boots. However, it was the last time I remembered watching Ladyhawke before this week, and while I thought back on the film fondly, my memory might have run more toward young ladies in poets blouses with daggers on their hips than the actual flick.

Monday Bugg Zappers: The Bowie-lynx Cometh & Bringeth Links

Referring here to the manual, it says that the only thing better for a Monday than Bugg Zappers are links. Interesting, Bugg Zappers are links to some cool posts I read through the week. No wait, I read it wrong the only thing better are lynx. I can see it in a way, the crazy ears, the spots, and the wild mane. If David Bowie were an animal, I'd think him to be a lynx. That hasn't happened to my knowledge. We all know that circa 1974, Mr. Bowie was dog from the waist down, but that is completely unrelated. So no matter what this zoology manual says, Bugg Zappers are still cooler than  lynxes until The Thin White Duke becomes one. Want proof, read on....

Over at Day of the Woman, BJ-C might just have faced some karmic retribution : 

And God Said, Let The Be Twi-Hards

Over at Dfordoom's Cult Movie Reviews, my main man looks into Arizona Colt director Michele Lupo's the ominously titled peplum pic, Goliath and the Sins of Babylon

If you're like me and the words, Linnea Quigley's Murder Weapon sound like something incredibly deadly yet totally sexy, then you've got to check out The Bloody Pit of Horror for the review!

Johnny LaRue's Crane Shot got deep into Deathstaker and Deathstalker II, a guy after my own heart I tell you. 

Pierre, Pierre, where do you get those wonderful toys. Over at Frankensteinia: The Frankenstein Blog, this week Mr. Fournier featured a lovely post about the Frankenstein Re-release Program Book, Austria 1957

When I see that James from Behind the Couch is reviewing The House on Sorority Row, I'm clicking faster than someone trying to un-send one of those e-mails. The one's you write and then close. Imagine, if you will, the speed at which you would click everything trying to stop an accidental sending of said mail. Faster than that clicking (though less frantically, instead with a more the cool, decisive clicking of a hardened gunslinger), I checked it out, and so should you. 

That about wraps it up for today, so check those out, and maybe next week I can get a manual to work this thing. Or maybe I can get Emmanuel Lewis in to do this for me. Don't count on it, but I'll work on it behind the scenes. Anyhow, until next week, consider yourselves Zapped!

Star Knight (1985): Kinski + Keitel × Sci Fi ÷ Fantasy = More Than You Expect

It’s been a couple of weeks since last we checked in with our old friend Klaus Kinski. So tonight, I want to take you on an amazing journey with Klaus, Harvey Keitel, and an alien who came all the way across the Universe to get nearly literally nagged to death. I’m getting ahead of myself though, but this is one I’m really excited to talk about. Not only does it have one of Kinski’s strangest performances, it is also one of the best pieces of trash cinema this here Bugg has laid his eyes on in a while. Now I’m sure some of you know the film, but this was my first viewing, and it will be the first of many, many times. Rarely does a movie go from my hand, to the player, and onto my shortlist of favorite watches, but Star Knight somehow did it.

As the film begins, Boecius (Klaus Kinski), the magician asks the gods to summon an angel to give him “the secret of secrets”, the way to eternal life. The nearby villagers begin to complain they are being attacked by a dragon and are not inclined to listen to the local nobleman Klever (Harvey Keitel) when he tries to quell the unrest. In the castle, the Lord is unhappy with Klever for not being able to control the peons, and he is not inclined to make Klever a knight or let him marry his daughter Princess Alba (Maria Lamor). The Princess is in agreement with that, but she's tired of being locked in the castle. She tries to runaway and disappears in the woods which makes people believe she’s been eaten by the dragon, but she discovers there is no dragon at all. She is taken aboard a strange metal ship piloted by an alien named IX (Miguel Bose) who she quickly falls in love with. When the alien in his metal spacesuit returns the Princess to her grieving father, they all think he’s the answer to their greatest desires. The Lord and Boecius believe he has the answer to eternal life, the Princess thinks she’s found her love, and Klever believes he can become a knight by defeating him.

One of the things that make Star Knight such an enjoyable mess is the schizophrenic nature of the production. From the opening screen that tells of the alchemist’s quest to transmute gold and unlock the sequel to eternal life, it seems like you’re going to be treated to a straightforward fantasy film. Then not ten minutes in you’re introduced to Harvey Keitel as Klever, the Brooklyn accented would be knight. You don’t have to be very clever to realize quite quickly that Klever’s name is supposed to be ironic. It’s not much of a joke, but it lets you in on the fact that they are not completely on the level with this one. As the film progresses, it begins to feel more and more like the bargain basement version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This becomes very evident with the character of The Green Knight. He vows to stop people from crossing a bridge, but he never seems to make it work. For my money his scenes, especially the first time he fails in his duty because he’s taking a whiz, are some of the best in the film.

Now we’re here today to talk about Klaus Kinski, but before I get around to him, I have to spend a few minutes talking about Harvey “Klever” Keitel. This is the same Harvey Keitel that appeared in Taxi Driver and Mean Streets prancing around in a haircut that looked like Price Valiant by way of Eddie Rabbit. It is an incredibly strange experience to watch this actor who has become a genre icon saying things like “forsooth” and call his armor “ah-mah”. The casting of Mr. Keitel has to be one of the reasons that this film transformed from a serious fantasy to an unabashed comedy. There’s just no way to take Keitel seriously as a knight, but for a comedy, his over the top, anachronistic performance is a perfect fit.

Now onto Mr. Kinski. While his performance as Boecius is solid, it’s also rather disturbing. The brooding Kinski is no where to be found, and replacing him was the perpetually smiley little fellow. Sure, in some of his films, I’ve seen him crack a smile here and there, but never have I seen Kinski perform while looking so happy. It was as unnerving as some of his more sinister roles I assure you. All kidding aside, Kinski is very entertaining, and his incredible happiness actually adds to the humorous tone of the film. There’s also one other strange thing about Mr. Kinski, but it's not his doing. The DVD I purchased was from the Westlake Entertainment Group, and on the front, there is clearly a picture of Kinski from Aguirre, Wrath of God. Needless to say Kinski’s healing magician does not wear a conquistador’s helmet anywhere in this film. This is just the first of several problems with the disk, but more on that in a few.

Now I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to talk about the Princess and the alien IX. This poor alien. He traveled all the way across the galaxy only to meet a demanding, bitchy gal like the Princess. Now the Star Knight can only communicate with the Princess with a telepathy that sounds like whale song, but somehow he explains to her that he can’t take off his space suit or he’ll die. Repeatedly she tells him that she can’t love him if he doesn’t take it off. He explains it to her again. She tells him that if he loved her he’d take it off. This goes on time and time again in the film, and if I was a spaceman, I’d be beaming her down to the planet and getting the hell out of there. That or figuring out the telepathic whale song way to say, “Listen, woman, I will die. What part of that don’t you understand?”

Star Knight's actual title is El caballero del dragon, and it was a Spanish production directed by Fernando Colomo who also wrote and produced the film. I would really like to look into this man’s head to figure out what film he was intending to make. More than that, I would like to slap him around for letting some terrible copies of this film hit the market. I want to go back to the aforementioned Westlake Entertainment Group DVD. If you want to see this film, avoid this pressing at all costs, and pick up the DVD issued by Cheezy Flicks instead. The Westlake DVD was maddening to watch as the dialog was completely unsynched, and sometimes it seemed to be as much as four of five seconds off. Add to that a very soft VHS transfer, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

It really says something about Star Knight that I watched it anyway and ended up really enjoying it despite the viewing experience. There is no doubt in my mind that I will end up purchasing the other pressing of Star Knight, and I can’t wait to watch it when the dialog and actors mouths match up. This is one to watch. Just don’t let Mr. Kinski’s grin disturb you too much.

Bugg Rating

Unfortunately the closest thing I could find for a trailer for this one is the opening credits. They won't give you much of idea of what this film is like, but here it is never the less.

Isn't It Bromantic: The 13th Warrior (1999)

As Chris Kattan taught us on Saturday Night Live, Antonio Banderas is “too sexy“. Now I have no comment on that other than to say he’s a good lookin’ fellow. That’s not what this new feature, Isn’t It Bromantic, is about. While B.L.O.G has gone on for some 20+ weeks about the ladies of genre film that I love, the men have been put on the backburner. Now I want to give some dudes the props they deserve. Now, don’t fret, the B.L.O.G.s will be back again soon. I’m going to be trading back and forth on Thursdays between the sexes.

First off let me just say a few words about what Isn’t It Bromantic will be about. It will be about genre film actors I love to watch, it will be focused on one specific movie each time, and it will not be a sexiest or most handsome contest, but rather a place for me to talk about my man crushes. Now don’t front, gentlemen. I know you all have man crushes. There’s always an actor whose roles makes you want to be more like him onscreen and off. They’re the characters that are cool as ice, slick as shit, and always ready to throw down if called upon. That’s why to kick this whole thing off I went with a film and an actor who I feel is quite under-appreciated...

Antonio Banderas was almost not an actor at all. Up until the age of 14 he was poised to be something of a soccer sensation in his native Spain, but a broken foot put an end to those dreams. After seeing a stage production of Hair, he decided he wanted to peruse a career in acting which eventually lead him to a series of collaborations with Spanish director Pedro Almodovar. He made the leap to Hollywood in 1992 with The Mambo Kings and in 1993 got much praise as Tom Hank’s gay lover in Philadelphia.

So far his career had been dominated by high minded films helmed by serious directors, but soon a job given to him by one of those artistic directors, Neil Jordon, would bring Banderas into genre film. He took on the role of Armand in Jordon’s adaptation of Ann Rice’s Interview with a Vampire (1994). Say what you will about that film, I always find a lot to like there and Banderas is definitely part of it. The next year saw his first pairing with Robert Rodriguez in the director’s American remake of his own El Mariachi. Desperado told a slightly varied and more polished tale than the original, and Banderas was well on his way down the genre film path. Over the next few years he starred in Four Rooms (1995), opposite Stallone on Assassins (1995), and donned the legendary disguise in The Mask of Zorro (1998).

Then came tonight’s film, The 13th Warrior (1999). Based on the book Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton, The 13th Warrior came out at the end of a long string of successful films based on the author’s work including Jurassic Park, Rising Son, Disclosure, and Sphere. The film was set to be directed by one of the better men to have behind an action epic, John McTierman, the director of Die Hard, Predator, and Last Action Hero, but in the end the film failed miserably at the box office and became one of the biggest flops to date. The thing I could never get my head around was why. Banderas was a marquee level star and The 13th Warrior was based on the classic legend of Beowulf with a hint of The Seven Samurai thrown in for good measure. Since the first time I saw this flick, it fast became one that if I turned it on, well, I was going to be watching a film for the next two hours.

As I mentioned, The 13th Warrior is a twist on the epic poem Beowulf with a twist. A far flung Norse village is being terrorized by a creature, and Ahmed Ibn Fahdhan, a poet banished from his Middle Eastern homeland for romancing the wrong woman, has been sent out as an Ambassador to the lands to the North. He is in attendance when the warriors are chosen for the quest, and he, no Northman, must become the 13th of their number. He journeys with Buliwyf (Vladimir Kulich) and his men to the village where his life takes him into the dark mysticism of the Norse.

The story relies on Ahmed to guide the audience through the mystic beliefs of the Norse. They believe there is a giant fire beast, but Ahmed sees it as a legion of men with torches. The Grendel of the story is a tribe of men in bear heads called Wendol, but it takes Banderas’ poet to see them as not monsters. Some of it feels forced at times, but the film eases us into believing in the Arab’s intellect. Early in the film, he understands nothing of what the Norsemen are saying, but through a series of deftly cut scenes, the film illustrates how he learns to communicate with them. Sure, it requires some suspension of disbelief, but you’ve already got a Spaniard playing a Middle Easterner, so if you’re going to go with it, it’s best you just put your worries to the side and enjoy.

It’s kind of surprising that any kind of film could have come from the harrowing post production process that it endured. The original cut of the film did not test well, and at some point Crichton took over directing changing the title from his own original title Eaters of the Dead to The 13th Warrior. The film was also originally scored by Graeme Revell (composer for Grindhouse, From Dusk Til Dawn, and Boxing Helena) with Dead Can Dance singer Lisa Gerrard. It was completely replaced by Crichton with a score from legendary film composer Jerry Goldsmith. While I quite like the music, I would like to see the film with the other score intact to compare.

While The 13th Warrior surely deserved no Oscars, I find it to be an enjoyable action epic that didn’t get a fair shake. At the time it was released, it was one of the most expensive flops in movie history (not Waterworld bad, but bad none the less.) Since its release, it’s had a second life on video and DVD, and that’s the sign of a true cult film. It’s the kind of flick that when I mention it to my friends, we’ve all seen, we all enjoy, but somehow we never knew that there were other people that liked it. So in short, Antonio, he’s a badass here the Norse teach him to be, and he makes The 13th Warrior into a pretty badass flick.

Bugg Rating