Murder Party (2007): Art You Glad You Came?

As we get into the Halloween season, there is an extra worry that enters my mind. No, not how much candy to buy, how many times to watch The Paul Lynde Halloween Special, or even which pop culture icon to turn into a pun based costume (The answer is not Let's Go Brandon Lee in which one dresses up like Joe Biden in Crow make-up.). There is often the extra worry of an impending Halloween party, full of acquaintances, strangers, and drunken debauchery which we both anticipate and simultaneously fear.

I've been dragged to so many last minut Pumpkin Day festivities, and you never quite know what you're going to get into. For a couple of years when I was younger, I went to a party hidden deep in the woods, down a long dark, private drive where the ambitious hosts, who were friends of friends,  had spent months hanging fake bodies from the trees and setting up gory displays. By the time I finally arrived at the trailer and bonfire, existential dread had also arrived. Thankfully, it was just a wild party with acquaintances in the woods, and it wasn't some kind of Murder Party.

Left Turn at Albuquerque: The Wrong Turn Franchise

When I started this project, I actually thought I hadn't seen the first Wrong Turn. Even going into it, it seemed both familiar and completely new. By the end of the film, I realized that I had not only seen it once, I'd probably seen it a good half dozen times over the years. With performances from some of my favorites, Jeremy Sisto (Six Feet Under), Desmond Harrington (Dexter) and Eliza Dushku (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), it shouldn't have been a surprise that I'd seen the flick before. What really surprised me was that such a nondescript slasher could have spawned a franchise of four more films. So, feeling pretty safe in the assumption that I hadn't seen the other four flicks, I strapped in for a work week of Wrong Turn films to see where the franchise stayed between the lines and where it took some detours onto shaky ground. 

Love Actually (2002) Yes, Actually, Love Actually!

For many years, five in fact, I’ve thought about writing a review of Love Actually, one of my favorite Christmas films and romantic comedies, but I wasn’t sure what really to say about the film. This year, I’m trying to take the spirit of the season more into my heart. Working in retail as I do by day, it can take the Christmas spirit right out of you, and gentle solaces in films like Miracle on 34th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Silent Night Deadly Night can be the thing that puts it back in. While I wouldn’t add Love Actually to the vaunted status of those films, there’s something sweet and romantic about Richard Curtis’ film that appeals to the humanist in me during a season that is dominated by religious imagery. There’s no doubt that it is a bloated and flawed film that both exploits the viewers emotions and dabbles in cliché however I forgive it its trespasses. After all Christmas is the time to tell the truth, and the truth is that I love Love Actually.

It would take more time than I want to spend to write a full synopsis of the film as it concerns ten separate love stories that intersect and overlap over the month leading up to Christmas. As you can see by the chart after the jump, it could be quite confusing, but with a two and half hour running time, there’s plenty of space to get to know everyone. However there are still relationships and minor notes that I have picked up even after many viewings over the years. So I’m going to count off a few of the stories by their importance to me in the film.

Ritual (2002): Nobody Voodoos Baby in a Corner

Let's take a moment to talk about Jennifer Grey. Alright, who am I kidding? I mostly watched this film to get to talk about Jennifer Grey. Sure there's a Tales from the Crypt connection I could have played up to make myself look cooler, but let's be honest here, Ms. Grey was an extremely important part of my youth. When Dirty Dancing came out, I was eleven years old, and Jennifer's scene in the water with Patrick Swayze practicing lifts, well, it holds a special place in my heart... or my loins. It wasn't my sexual awakening,  I can thank Bryan Adams' 'Cuts Like a Knife' video from 1984 for that particular milestone, for Raquel Pena (who also appeared in Micheal Jackson's Billie Jean) and not the Master of the Canadian Power Ballad. Now that we've got the first over-share out of the way, there was something magical about watching Frances 'Baby' Houseman rise from the water in her extremely wet, skimpy, tight, white tank top. Yes, entirely magical... Sorry, got distracted there. Since then, I've been a fan of Ms. Grey's despite the fact that she literally cut her own nose off to spite her face. So when Netflix rolled out Ritual on Instant Watch, the almost final installment of the Tales from the Crypt trilogy, and I noticed that Jennifer carried top billing, I knew I was going to have to check it out. (And folks, the tank-top.... it's back!)

Bloodrayne (2005): Glad I Packed My Bloodbrella

I thought more about not reviewing this movie than I ever had any movie before. Not only does it have a reputation as being quite bad, it has the Uwe Boll to back that up. Now I'm not saying that every Boll film is complete trash, but when the man adapts a video game, all bets are off. After making the masterclass in how to make a bad game flick with House of the Dead, Boll returned to console for a pair of big screen translations in the form of Alone in the Dark and today's film, Bloodrayne. Now, while I spent some time with a gamepad in my hand, I never got into the Tomb Raider games or their knockoffs. So I never encountered the vampire hunter Rayne in her original pixelated form. This means I have only a basic Wikipedia based knowledge of her exploits. This is both a good and bad thing. I won't spend eons dissing the movie for not adhering to the source material, but if there was anything redeemable about the character, once Boll's movie is done with her, there's a good chance I'll miss it.

Model turned actress Kristanna Loken, best known as the T-X from Terminator 3, stars as Rayne, a dhampir, the spawn of a human mother and vampire father. In this case, the living dead-beat dad is chief vampire baddie Kagan, Ben Kingsley slumming it. As the film begins, Rayne is the captive of a carnival sideshow, being fed animal blood to show off her "tricks". When she gets a hold of  some human blood, she goes batty killing off the other performers before escaping into the woods. Hot on her trail are two bands of riders. Vladimir (Micheal Madsen), Sebatian (Matthew Davis), and Katrine (Michelle Rodriguez) are vampire hunters and leaders of Kagan's opposition the Brimstone Society. They're out to keep Rayne away from Kagan's forces, lead by the creatively head shaved Domostir (Will Sanderson), before the vampire-in-chief can  get his hands on a powerful talisman that Rayne possess.

Thankfully, Bloodrayne was not a waste of my time. Why you might ask? Here's why..

That's right Michelle Rodriguez in an adventurer outfit entirely unsuited for swordplay. If nothing else in this movie was worth my time watching, then at least I had her screen-time to give me solace. Some people don't like her, those people are wrong. So there. Anyhow, to my great surprise, I actually ended up finding a few other things to like, but don't worry, it's not all a lovefest. I've still got a number of things to hate on. Now I won't even get into Uwe Boll's direction of the film. If you've seen any of his other movies, then you know what that's like. There's a workmanlike diligence to entertainment, and Boll is more than willing to throw in splattery violence, nudity, and just enough of a nonsense plot to get the job done. Bloodrayne hits this standard stride.

The fate of the film kind of falls to the actors, and unfortunately, while there were a couple of inspired performances, many of the players seemed like they were waiting on the check to clear. Much of the film falls on the shoulders of Kristanna Loken, and there's a reason that the T-X didn't have a huge speaking role. Loken, while pretty enough to look at and matches up pretty well to her video game counterpart, just never rallys the viewer into caring about her. She does doff her clothes in a sex scene with Matthew Davis, and many will find this the film's highlight. So it should be noted that the scene is supposedly not simulated, but as the actors as shot from waist up, it would be hard to determine if the only penetration in Bloodrayne came from fangs.

David, sporting an impressive mullet, is so milquetoast that i never had much interest in him either. On the other hand, his partner, played by Micheal Madsen, might have been there for the money, but his lackadaisical performance leads to a few good moments as Madsen plays Vladimir like the most laid back vampire killer since Blade got hooked on Hydrocodone. Rodriguez, apart from filling out her outfit, turns in the films best performance, but I imight be biased. Bloodrayne also gets a shot in the arm from Meat Loaf as a lecherous vamp surrounded by real Romanian hookers, Kingsley bringing a grand presence as Kegan, Udo Keir in a brief appearance as a monk, and Billy Zane in one of the world's worst hairpieces.

So was Bloodrayne a good movie that will inspire me to check out the two sequels that followed (both starring Norwegian actress Natassia Malthe replacing Lokan)? As the kids say these days, hell to the no. While I found myself entertained by Bloodrayne and thankful that the film keeps a pacy delivery the sped the movie along, it didn't inspire confidence that further movies would do more than rehash or rip off successful franchises like Underworld. However, as far as video game movies go, it was far from the worst I've ever seen. Even under the gentle hand of Uwe Boll, Bloodrayne manages to be better than Super Mario Brothers, Tekken, the Tomb Raider films, and Doom combined together. For some reason, the same stories that work on consoles never seem to exactly work on the silver screen as if the experience wouldn't translate if the viewer didn't have a gamepad in their hand. Someday, there will be a video game film that does the same thing The Dark Knight did for comic books, prove that the source material can become a viable artistic vision across mediums. Until then, well, I surely won't say we've got Bloodrayne, but it's there if you want to watch it and stuff.

Bugg Rating

Thankskilling (2009): The Bugg Gobbles Up Turkey Day

There's basically two movies to talk about if you want to broach Thanksgiving horror. (Unless you count Eli Roth's fake trailers in Grindhouse for Thanksgiving.) There's 1972's Blood Freak, which isn't really about Turkey Day, but it does feature a biker being turned into a killer turkey with an appetite for drug dealers. Then there's the 2009 low budget effort Thankskilling. While I've never got my hands on the former, I've avoided the later for the last two years as, frankly, it sounded stupid. Well, I finally watched it, and I wasn't at all wrong. Thankskilling is stupid, stupid like a fox. With a killer puppet turkey running around spouting one liners and a script that wants to be Troma-like but can't quite manage, Thankskilling may just be the antidote for the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Seeing as this is a poultry based slasher, there's precious little to synopsize. The movie starts off with a pre-title sequence wherein the film's killer turkey makes his first appearance while offing a large breasted pilgrim (Mature porn star Wanda Lust). Cut to present day, and five college students are on their way home for Thanksgiving break. After the nerd tells them the legend of Thankskilling, the Gruesome Gobbler begins to stalk the teens. Their only hope is the vast collection of books about Turkeys that one of their fathers owns, but before they can stop it, the turkey rapes, murders, and bastes a swath of blood wherever he goes.

Making a movie on a shoestring budget is no easy task even in this shot-on-video era. Thankskilling is one of the better looking movies to come out of this movement, and it's plain to see that every penny of the $3000 dollar budget is onscreen. The problem is the chasm from the films they seem to want to make, and the one they did. While the film opens on a naked breast, this is the last bit of sleaze you get in the film, and the violence is watered down to practically nothing as well. Director Jordan Downey clearly wants to follow in the footsteps of Lloyd Kaufman, but a fairly tame tale of a wisecracking turkey isn't going to do the job. The turkey puppet, voiced by Downey, is clearly the best part of the film (and the scene where it shares a cup of coffee with a man in a turkey suit is hilarious visually if nothing else.), and the wisecracks took me right back to the days of my youth before funny Freddy Kruger wasn't infinitely irritating.

Perhaps the greatest strength of Thankskilling is its brevity. Running just barely over an hour, it's an easy watch, and it contains enough decent jokes to make the experience worthwhile. It also might be better if you're slightly sleepy from too much turkey. Someone test that theory out and get back to me on it. Right now Thankskilling is available for Instant Watch on Netflix, and while it is an incredibly flawed movie, I still encourage folks to check it out. After all, there's only so many times you can watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving or Miracle on 34th Street, and no one is ready for A Christmas Story quite yet. So after bottling up all that rage at your family gathering, come home and queue this one up. It may be a turkey about a turkey killing some turkeys, but it's not a bad way to spend a holiday evening.

Before I go, I want to take an opportunity to thank all my readers. No matter if you're celebrating Turkey day or one of my readers from around the world, I thank each and every one of you who make the Lair one of your favorite places for Cult, Horror, and Genre reviews.

Bugg Rating

The Bugg Goes to The Drive-In Horror Show (2009)

There are things that I always tend to lean toward, Drive-Ins, anthology films, and people with whom I have shared Shiner Bocks. So let it be known, that one evening after the events of days at Horrorhound Weekend Indy 11, I did find myself sharing aforementioned beer brand with Micheal Neel, director of the anthology flick, Drive-In Horror Show. During the course of quelling our thirst, Micheal asked if I'd gotten a chance to see his film, and sadly I had not. Now that situation has been amended, and call it preferential treatment if you will, but I owe Mr. Neel another round or two.

Anthologies are a tricky thing. Some, such as Creepshow, Black Sabbath or Trick 'r Treat , go down in the books as horror classics. Then there's flicks like Grim Prairie Tales and Tales from the Hood are better left both forgotten and unexamined. The trouble tackling an anthology film is that each separate piece needs to be strong on its own so the viewer is left with an impression of each story, but there must be both balance and build or the dynamic of the film is skewed well away from point. Thankfully, first time feature director Micheal Neel, whose previous credits include three documentary features, one self produced and directed, knows his stuff and, as an avid horror fan, he must have know the traps to watch out for because he made out like Pitfall Harry swinging over a lake of 8 bit crocs.

Drive-In Horror Show is divided into five segments linked via a post-apocalyptic drive-in where the old horror classics just "won't stay dead." Manning the reels is The Projectionist (Luis Negron) with his sidekick Billy Troll, and you can't hate on segments where you learn important lessons like "the undead are so hard to please". Negron is suitably hammy as a temporary horror host, and I really enjoyed  his interplay with his supporting cast of a lolling zombie, an ax murdered concession stand girl, and a pair of griping skeleton patrons (one of which is voiced by director Micheal Need.)

The first segment Pig goes right for the audience's throat and their endurance for realistic gore. It's rape-revenge in the correct miniature proportions 5 seconds of off-screen raped and twenty of bloody, bloody, bathtub revenge. With only two emotionally charged (and gory) performances to start up the film, Neel and co-writer Greg Ansin took a big chance, and it pays off. Actress Judith Kalora is outstanding, and I would not be at all surprised to hear her name again someday.

Then in The Closet we see what happens when a literal monster in the closet gets sway over an unhappy middle schooler who has it out for his family. Let's just say the results aren't pretty, but they'd sure make Rod Serling smile. While some of the family interactions are stilted, Chis Fidler impresses as young Jamie, and watching the young actor slip from horrified to gleefully excited during his character's predicament is well worth the story's few foibles.

Fall Apart is the first story to feature a sympathetic character as the main focus, philanthropic Dr. Patrick Mazursky. The Doc does all the pro-bono work he can, but after encountering a mysterious sore on a patient, he starts down the road to a killer Frank Cotton cosplay. While I think the story almost gets away from itself, it is saved by its brief running time and ends up being both thought provoking and touching.

The Meat Man stars two young kids with wild imaginations and a BBQ loving dad they suspect might be the titular cannibalistic serial killer. My dad can beat up your dad kind of pales in comparison when one suspects that pops might be pals with Dexter Morgan. I believe this segment was the shortest, and it was a wise decision. While the premise was cute, it was the weakest story overall.

The Watcher takes us on a hike straight into slasher territory. In a third of the Friday the 13th remake's running time, it provides a better example of how to pay homage to the classics, bring the genre into the present, interesting cinematic dynamics, and create  a suspense build which executes into a perfect final climax for the film. The greatest asset this segment holds is the shooting style. Every frame has a point-of-view feeling from beginning to end,and it creates a hell of a mood.

Drive-In Horror Show is not a perfect anthology film, but even among the good ones, I can think of none that would get top honors no matter how much I favor the sub-genre. That being said, Micheal Neel's homage to drive-in horror hits all the bases. Cannibals, monsters, serial killers, revenge killers, and crazy infections (complete with shady government agents) are all staples of they drive-in's heyday. While there's precious few places you can still experience the thrill of the drive-in theater,  Horror Show is a great way to get a little of that at home. It also managed to gross me out, and so I have to give a big shout out to the folks in the special effects department. I'm not usually one to have to turn away from anything, but one portion of Pig made me nauseous. So my hat is off to you (also just in case I need to toss cookies.)

There will surely be critics who would come down harder on this film, and yes there is more I could pick apart. However when it comes to any film, and an indie especially, heart goes a long way. It came through loud and clear that everyone in this film had tons of heart. In fact, I saw a few of them get ripped out. I also saw a first genre feature from a talented new director. Sure, I might have met Micheal Neel, and you might think I'm biased toward Drive-In Horror Show, but my bias lies with things that are good to watch. Earlier I said  that I owed Mr. Neel another drink. I think as more people see his film he's going to have more and more glasses hoisted his way.

Bugg Rating 

Check out all things DRIVE-IN HORROR SHOW here! Including where to get your very own copy! Netflix users please save it to your queue and let's see if we can help Micheal get 'Flix to carry his flick.