Whatcha Craven?: Invitation to Hell (1994)

Yesterday, I talked about Halloween parties in my review of Murder Party, and today I have another invite on the docket, but this time, it's to Hell! (Cue sinister organ music) When Daytime's Leading Lady and the Master of Horror collide for a Movie of the Week, the results are less celebratory than you'd want, but come along with me, and Punky Brewster, on an Invitation to Hell.

Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #4 & #3: Don't Be Afraid of theDark (1973 & 2010)

Perhaps the most universal of the "Don't" titles is the rather parental advice, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. At one time or another, in our childhood or a particularly vulnerable moment of our adult lives, we have all been afraid of the thing that goes bump in the night. No matter if we thought it was a burglar or the boogieman, it still sends the heart racing and the stress level up to feel at the mercy of something unexpected in the inky blackness. Perhaps that's what makes both versions of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark so effective that they come in at numbers four and three on the Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair Halloween countdown. The original, a made for TV film, and the remake, hewn under the watchful eye of  Guillermo Del Toro, are similar films that execute the basic plot with near equal competence, but each delivers a unique satisfying experience for genre film fans. So today, it's all treats and no tricks when The Bugg turns the lights down low for a double feature of miniature terror, so come along, don't be afraid, and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.  

Don't Go in the Lightning. Bug's Lair #6: Don't Go to Sleep (1982)

As the ghosts and hobgoblins of the Halloween season draw ever closer, one might find it harder to bed down for the night. This could be out of superstitious fright or it could be because the wee small hours are the best occasion for watching scary movies. Likely, for most folks, the sleepless nights aren't caused by the specter of a deceased sibling who may have returned for diabolical purposes. However, that's just the issue in today's film, the 1982, star studded, made for TV creepfest, Don't Go to Sleep. I don't know what was in the water at the TV studios in the 70s and 80s, but, while today's TV films are either laughably bad (Lifetime, I'm looking at you.) or bloated messes ballooned out to a mini-series format, there was a magic to many of the old TV gems. In the case of Don't Go to Sleep, it was definitely a dark magic indeed. 

The Other Andy: Gramps (1995)

Everyone has that one relative that they would rather avoid (some of us have many), and it could be for any number of reasons. Perhaps it's what they said to Aunt Bernice last Christmas after a few too many Nogs. It could be bad breath or the scent of Vicks and moth balls that permeates the air around them. It could be you don't like their current and soon to be ex-spouse or their political or religious bent is just too much to bear. Or still, it could be some part of their past and yours intertwined and left a stain on your relationship. Such is the case in today's made for television triumph, but the perpetrator is not an expected menace. Instead, it's Matlock. Over the course of The Other Andy series, I feel like I've made a case for the genial protector of Mayberry being able to turn in the dark side in a number of under appreciated villain roles. He even got pretty evil on The Andy Griffith Show once. Just watch Season 5, Episode 17, "Goober Takes a Car Apart", for the first glimpse of menace in Andy's work since Kazan's A Face in the Crowd. I mention that first because I believe Gramps a.k.a Relative Fear is the last time Griffith played against type. In the abstract, having Andy Taylor as your Grandpa sounds pretty good, but Clarke MacGruder might share some of the same favorite songs with "The Sheriff Without a Gun" yet he’s a far cry from anyone Aunt Bee would invite over for dinner. 

Calendar Girl Murders (1984) Don’t Startle the ‘Stache, You’ll Skerritt

I remember a Christmas, when I was about twelve or thirteen, and one of my gifts from my Grandparents was a calendar of ladies in swimwear on the beach. This gift made several things go through my mind including will my mom let me keep it, how cool is my Grandpa for picking it out, and I wonder if you can see any nipples. Hey, what can I say, I was an adolescent horndog. (Who. coincidentally is grew into a middle aged horn dog, but that’s an entirely different matter.) My mother did indeed let me keep the calendar, and it hung by my bedside for the next twelve months providing me some beautiful, tan, sexy, barefoot fantasy girlfriends who obviously were on the coldest beaches of all time. Today’s film, Calendar Girl Murders, brought the memory to mind due to its title, but it really should have been the Centerfold Girl Murders to be accurate. More on that later. I chose the film because it stars one of the unsung heroes of the movie mustache  Tom Skerritt, who sadly is overshadowed by that other mustachioed Tom, Mr. Selleck. Today though, is Skerritt’s time to shine. So join me as I turn the pages of Calendar Girl Murders.

Spare Parts(1979) : They Steal Organs! I'm not Kidneying You!

Sometimes, when you're a video tape collector, you buy a VHS to have the tape no mater if the film is any good or not. Often the box art brings back a memory or the packaging strikes some kind of fancy. The latter is the case of the case for today's film. Packaged in an over-sized puffy clamshell done in hot pink, the cover features a woman in pieces in what must have been a whole afternoon for someone with a pair of scissors. The whole impression of the art and box was unlike anything else I owned and I took no time snapping it up when I found I at the last Horrorhound Weekend. The box art declares the film "The Cutting Edge in Medical Terror” , but what it doesn't say is that this German made horror-thriller is definitely one of a kind. Spare Parts hits squarely on one of the great urban legends of all time as the thriller centers around organ thieves praying on tourists a full twenty five years before Turistas mined similar territory. So join me for the only movie I know of that combines German tourists, kidneys, 70s trucker culture, and a full blown international cartel of body harvesters. 

House of Clocks (1989) Lucio Fulci Knows What Time It Is

Back again with another slice of horror, and after tipping my hat to Dario yesterday, I thought it only fitting to talk about the other big name in Italian horror, Lucio Fulci.. The Godfather of Gore's career was winding down by the late 80s after a disastrous turn directing Zombi 3, and I expect he readily jumped at a job making a pair of Made for Italian TV films. He made two for the series, today's film House of Clocks (La casa nel tempo) and The Sweet House of Horrors. While late in his career, this is a Fulci trying to regain his game, and he did such a gory good job they wouldn't air the movies. So these went straight to a video release, which is a real shame because Fulci indeed did know what time it was. it was time for one last shot of adrenaline in a career that had hit many stumbles. So, Fulci took a moment to roll back the clocks to an earlier sharper flavor whole keeping plenty of murder, mayhem, and killer geriatrics in the 1989 film House of Clocks.

The Other Andy: The Girl in the Empty Grave (1977)

It was only a little over a month ago that entertainment lost a real legend, Andy Griffith. Since then, I’ve found myself taking quite a few trips to Mayberry to catch up with a number of episodes of The Andy Griffith Show that I had missed, but my mind often drifted to The Other Andy, the one that isn’t as strong in the zeitgeist as the folksy character Andy Taylor. I’m talking about the actor Andy Griffith who made some really interesting, and, yes, campy, genre filled films both before and after his career as a TV lawman. After beginning his career as a singer and storyteller, Griffith found his way to the Broadway stage in No Time for Sergeants which quickly became a successful film property. This lead to his casting in Elia Kazan’s tale of fame gone awry, A Face in the Crowd, a film which is nearly universally regarded as a classic. It wasn’t too long after this heavy hitting film that the backdoor pilot for The Andy Griffith Show appeared as part of The Danny Kaye Show. The segment proved popular, and Griffith assumed the role which would define his career. Unless, that is, you run into one of those rabid Matlock people, and then I advise you to use all applicable caution