The Ghost (1963) : The Look of Boo Steele

Margaret (Barbara Steele) is the unhappy wife of the crippled Dr. John Hitchcock.  He has spent years researching both natural and occult remedies for the affliction thaya confines him to a chair.  He is convinced a regimen of poison followed by antidote will help, but only Dr. Livingston is shady enough to administer it. He's also having an affair with  Margaret, and she's fed up with her invalid hubby. Encouraging her Doctor beau to off her hubby, he only administers the poison. However, when strange occourances rattle the murderous pair, they begin to wonder if Dr. Hitchcock has returned as a vengeful Ghost.

Don't Go into the Lightning Bug's Lair #11: Don't Go in theWoods...Alone (1981)

After the travesty that was Don't Go in the Woods (2010), I was a little head shy, or should I say ear shy, after that musical horror mess, to press play on the first film entitled Don't Go in the Woods, albeit with the addition of the word "Alone" at the end.  To me, that's some good advice, but I would take it a step further and say don't go in the woods at all. I'm not much of an outdoorsman unless there's some kind of movie screen under the stars, and as far as my personal experience goes and based on the experiences of watching tons of films where people do go in the woods, it just never works out quite right.  I have friends who are hikers, and many of them expose the commendable belief in "leaving no trace" when they go out. I say there's an easier way than even that. Don't go at all and save your strength for trick or treating, and if you don't believe my advice, then just see what happens in Don't Go in the Woods...Alone.

Don't Go Into The Lightning Bug's Lair #12: Don’t Scream, Doris Mays (1965)

I can see you haven’t heeded the creepy, crazy old man’s warning when he told you, “Don’t Go in the Lightning Bug’s Lair”, and I’m sure glad you didn’t because I have the second entry in my Halloween countdown to share with you. In the wake of Hitchcock’s Psycho, a number of films took a similar tact to try and cash in on the serial killer motif. William Castle even went to the well twice with his features Homicidal and Straight Jacket, both spins on the loose psychological theorizing that had tied up Hitch’s film so neatly. Castle wasn't the only one to see potential, and in 1965, John Bushelman, an editor with limited film experience, undertook a script from a first time screenwriter that took one of the major elements of Norman Bates’ mental problems and, by way of Ed Wood, filtered it into a film known as Day of the Nightmare. For the purposes of this list though, I’m going to talk about it under its alternate title which was used as it barnstormed around the country from drive in to drive in, and that title was Don’t Scream, Doris Mays.

Killjoy (2001) His Brother Killroy Wasn't Here.

This certainly didn't kill my joy, but I can't say it enhanced it. Urban horror flicks are a varied lot with Candyman, a story mined from a British author, sitting atop a heap that includes Blackenstein, an installment of the Leprechaun series, and at least two films featuring Snoop Dogg. Suffice it to say that the bar is set pretty low. So perhaps that's what makes Killjoy, a serviceable slasher with an all African American cast, seem like a diamond on the rough. In actuality, it's more like costume jewelry. If you were missing it after a party you'd be mad about it, but you wouldn't frisk your friends and neighbors to try and get it back. Killjoy tries to make all the right moves, but it’s like seeing a clown hit someone with a pie and thinking it’s hilarious. It’s funny, but it’s been done to death.

Elf-Man (2012) It’s a Bird. It’s a Plane! It’s Wee-Man Vs. Re-Animator?

December is finally here, and as readers of the LBL know, I always enjoy watching all the naughty and nice that holiday films have to give. So that means I have to take a lot of risks at time, and today’s film certainly was one. What I didn't expect was that it would have so many connections that were right in my wheelhouse and, most shockingly of all, that it would actually be kind of, in a way, alright. Boy, that would look great as a blurb on the poster on a poster for Elf-Man. My first exposure to the film was seeing a two by three picture for it on my local Redbox, and the title caught my eye instantly. It sounded like the original, overly descriptive title for Will Ferrell’s Elf, and visions of a knock off film danced in my head like the much talked about sugar plums. When it slid out of the machine, I had no idea Elf-Man starred the shortest member of the Jackass crew as well as having connections to House, House II: The Second Story, and Re- Animator. However it would become a light, almost magical Christmas treat.

Calendar Girl Murders (1984) Don’t Startle the ‘Stache, You’ll Skerritt

I remember a Christmas, when I was about twelve or thirteen, and one of my gifts from my Grandparents was a calendar of ladies in swimwear on the beach. This gift made several things go through my mind including will my mom let me keep it, how cool is my Grandpa for picking it out, and I wonder if you can see any nipples. Hey, what can I say, I was an adolescent horndog. (Who. coincidentally is grew into a middle aged horn dog, but that’s an entirely different matter.) My mother did indeed let me keep the calendar, and it hung by my bedside for the next twelve months providing me some beautiful, tan, sexy, barefoot fantasy girlfriends who obviously were on the coldest beaches of all time. Today’s film, Calendar Girl Murders, brought the memory to mind due to its title, but it really should have been the Centerfold Girl Murders to be accurate. More on that later. I chose the film because it stars one of the unsung heroes of the movie mustache  Tom Skerritt, who sadly is overshadowed by that other mustachioed Tom, Mr. Selleck. Today though, is Skerritt’s time to shine. So join me as I turn the pages of Calendar Girl Murders.

Spare Parts(1979) : They Steal Organs! I'm not Kidneying You!

Sometimes, when you're a video tape collector, you buy a VHS to have the tape no mater if the film is any good or not. Often the box art brings back a memory or the packaging strikes some kind of fancy. The latter is the case of the case for today's film. Packaged in an over-sized puffy clamshell done in hot pink, the cover features a woman in pieces in what must have been a whole afternoon for someone with a pair of scissors. The whole impression of the art and box was unlike anything else I owned and I took no time snapping it up when I found I at the last Horrorhound Weekend. The box art declares the film "The Cutting Edge in Medical Terror” , but what it doesn't say is that this German made horror-thriller is definitely one of a kind. Spare Parts hits squarely on one of the great urban legends of all time as the thriller centers around organ thieves praying on tourists a full twenty five years before Turistas mined similar territory. So join me for the only movie I know of that combines German tourists, kidneys, 70s trucker culture, and a full blown international cartel of body harvesters. 

The American Scream (1988) Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Slasherness

One of the only things that are more authentically American than Mom’s apple pie is the horror comedy. I now you don’t hear them mentioned in the same sentence as often as one should, but it’s true never the less. All the way back in 1820, American author Washington Irving founded the subgenre with the slapstick tale of Ichabod Crane “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” which featured as many laughs as screams. Flash forward to the 1920s, and while horror films were some of the first made, horror-comedies were not far behind with 1922’s Ghost Breakers and 1926’s The Cat and the Canary leading the pack. In the 1940s and 50s, Abbot and Costello brought about a new realm of horror comedies with the 1941 film Hold that Ghost, and thus began a franchise which would see the comedy duo meet everyone from Frankenstein and Dracula to The Invisible Man and Boris “The Killer” Karloff. The sixties saw such titles as Roger Corman’s Little Shop of Horrors and Roman Polanski’s The Fearless Vampire Killers. However the real heyday of horror comedy was the 70s and 80s which saw diverse films such as Theater of Blood, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Love at First Bite, Motel Hell, Evil Dead, Gremlins, The Stuff, Vamp, and many, many more combine laughter and nightmares. So when I ran across a VHS copy of a horror comedy called The American Scream, from 1988 right in the thick of the sub-genre’s boom, I knew this could go one of two ways, I could be standing up to salute when the credits rolled or wondering if Homeland Security had a toll free number.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Kill Me, Tommy

After only two installments of the Halloween franchise, they tried to leave Michael Myers by the wayside with the maligned entry in the series Halloween III: Season of the Witch. While I love III (and if you haven’t seen the new edition put out by Shout! Factory you’re missing out on the best version of the film out there), the masses in general demanded their Shape, and sure enough six years later the franchise was born again in Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers. However, the man in the Shatner mask was not the only slasher whose franchise tried to leave him behind. Such was also the case in today’s film, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. Eschewing a numerical mark on this entry in the series, A New Beginning tries to become a jumping off point to leave the mythos of Mrs. Voorhees, Baghead Jason, and the hockey mask in the dust thanks to the murderous hands of Corey Feldman in Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter. We all know how well that worked out. However, director Danny Steinmann, who also wrote the film, crafted a tale which is deeply flawed, but it also manages to draw from the well from which so many slashers spring, the Italian giallo. So join me for this trip to slasher country where A New Beginning slowly and surely gives way to a new life for Jason Voorhees.

For The Love of Price: City In the Sea (1965) a.k.a War Gods of the Deep

Hey, folks, Bugg here, and I'm here with something special today, the triumphant return of Fran Goria's For the Love of Price. I personally don't know anyone who has seen more or knows more about Vincent Price than my pal Fran, and I'm pleased as punch that she's back with more Pricey goodness... or badness, who knows. Either way, I'm sure you'll enjoy her review of the 1965 film City in the Sea a.k.a War Gods of the Deep. Enjoy, and look out for more from Fran in the near future including co-hosting the soon to debut podcast Netflips with your truly. Now get out your swimmies, slip into a bathing suit, and take the jump, or should I say plunge, with Fran and Vincent Price.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988): "The Shape" of Things To Come

First, he came home on Halloween. Then he continues his carnage late that night at the local hospital. Then he, well, he appeared on a TV in the background of a scene while the world was almost annihilated by druids with masks, and finally, despite being shot twice in the head and blown up during his last real appearance, he comes back again in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. So how did everyone’s favorite Shape come back from having his noggin blown off and being incinerated? He had the ultimate protection, poor box office receipts for the previous un-Myers edition of the franchise. So producer Moustapha Akkad wanted to go back to the well again, and Cannon films approached John Carpenter about penning a sequel, which he did, with Dennis Etchison who had penned novelizations of the series. Their script, detailing a Haddonfield reeling from the killings after banning Halloween, was rejected, and it soon lead to Carpenter, and longtime collaborator Debra Hill, exiting the series. Instead, what came next is a film that would shape the series’ arc for a number of installments and redefine Michael Myers as more supernatural force than man.

The Irrepressible Miss Stanwyck: Jeopardy (1953)

When I hear the word “jeopardy”, a few things comes to mind, but I’m guessing that director John Sturges didn’t have either the Trebeck hosted game show, the hit by the Greg Kihn Band, or the subsequent parody by Weird Al on his mind. More than likely because these things were not even invented yet because if they were it surely would have been all he could think of. If you haven’t guessed by now, today’s film is Jeopardy from 1953, and it is the inaugural post in the second new feature in August, The Irrepressible Miss Stanwyck. My love for Miss Stanwyck is deep and unabated by the passage of time. I love her tough gal characters, always with a soft, sensitive center, and no matter if she’s doing romance, action, drama, or comedy, Stanwyck always gave it her all. Sadly, in four years I’ve only got to take a look at two of her films here at The Lair, the Sam Fuller (also a feature holder for this month) weird Western 40 Guns and the Christmas flavored Remember the Night. So over the next few weeks, I hope you enjoy my look back at Babs. First up, a movie where Stanwyck would do anything for love, and yeah, I think she would do that. 

Get Off on the Goldfoot: Kicking off Summer with Vincent Price

While the calendar might denote a specific day that summer begins astrologically, I think most of us will agree that when June arrives, summer is upon us. Here at the Lair, it’s no different. It’s the time of year I break out the Bermuda shorts, drag out the lawn chair, slather up with coconut oil, and start soaking in the rays. It also means that my heart turns to the lighter side of genre fare. From the blood soaked beaches to the dense tropic jungles, you’ll find me turning up the heat all summer long. To start it off, I wanted to bring in the king of cool in a pair of sizzling films. When you think about beaches, surf, and sand, the name Vincent Price surely springs to mind right away. Well, perhaps not right away, but I think today I can bring it  a little closer with two films featuring Price commanding a phalanx of two pieces.

Hey, Girl. Hauer You Doin'?: New World Disorder (1999)

Hello, everyone, and welcome to a new feature here on The Lair as part of April Action, Hey, Girl. Hauer You Doin'? For the next four weeks, I'll be looking at the films of every gal's biggest dreamboat, Rutger Hauer. I had the good fortune to meet Mr. Hauer a couple of weeks back at Mad Monster Party in Charlotte, and he is just as you might imagine him. With his blonde hair swept back, black unstructured jacket, paisley patterned scarf draped around his neck, and elastic waist banded track pants, he practically oozed the essence of a European actor. Apart from looking like a dashing adventurer in his way to a marathon, he was a lovely fellow, and I found it quite wonderful that he donated all the proceeds from his signing to charity. Rutger has his own organization, The Rutger Hauer Starfish Association, tasked with helping children in Africa infected with AIDS. Not only did it ease the pain if shelling out money to meet a celebrity, it also gave me even more respect for an actor I've loved ever since I first met him as Roy in Bladerunner. Today's movie is also about the future, but less of a visionary masterpiece than a half hacked miasma with a tacked on title that carried cultural cachet in the late 90s. This is New World Disorder, and the future is now... Or then... Or, what the hell is Andrew McCarthy doing here... The future is sometime, the review starts now.

You Don't Know Shat !?! : Secrets of a Married Man (1984)

Over the last few weeks of the Shatner celebration, we've seen the Shat as a crusading father rescuing his daughter from gang life in Broken Angel and talking turkey about the birds and the bees is The Explosive Generation. This week finds Shatner on the other side of the ethical coin as a cad gone mad in Secrets of a Married Man. This made for TV film feels like prehistoric version of a Lifetime offering, but spun on it's head in a fever of Iron John induced melodrama. It becomes a tale of middle class male ennui where Shatner, playing for sympathy, comes up well short. Secrets of a Married Man  is a slice of of 80s yuppsterism that shows off just how flawed the free love generation became as they moved into the self centered, costumer driven decade. Plus, you get to see Captain Kirk picking up hookers on the corner.

Graveyard Disturbance (1986): Lamburto Bava Cracks a High Life with the Low Dead

I was a teenager once. I did lots of stupid things. However, if you base what teens like to do on what their movie counterparts take part in, then its logical to think that there's a point in every one's life where hanging out in a graveyard sounds like an incredible idea. There are so many films that start out with that premise, but I don't think even in an adolescent state any amount of booze, loose women, or desire to prove myself non-chicken would get me to hang out in a cemetery all night. I'm not saying I would expect anything to happen, but there's no reason to tempt fate. Almost as scary as a night in a graveyard is the idea of horror on television. While there have been a number of successes like Masters of Horror and American Horror Story, often horror feels de-fanged on the tube like the series Fear Itself. So when I heard that today's cemetery themed film by Lamburto Bava had been made for an Italian TV series called "Brivido giallo" (literally translated as "Thrilling Yellow"), I wasn't sure what to expect. What I got was a mixture of Bava's Demons, Scooby Doo, and, sadly, much of the reserve you would expect from a television terror.

Ritual (2002): Nobody Voodoos Baby in a Corner

Let's take a moment to talk about Jennifer Grey. Alright, who am I kidding? I mostly watched this film to get to talk about Jennifer Grey. Sure there's a Tales from the Crypt connection I could have played up to make myself look cooler, but let's be honest here, Ms. Grey was an extremely important part of my youth. When Dirty Dancing came out, I was eleven years old, and Jennifer's scene in the water with Patrick Swayze practicing lifts, well, it holds a special place in my heart... or my loins. It wasn't my sexual awakening,  I can thank Bryan Adams' 'Cuts Like a Knife' video from 1984 for that particular milestone, for Raquel Pena (who also appeared in Micheal Jackson's Billie Jean) and not the Master of the Canadian Power Ballad. Now that we've got the first over-share out of the way, there was something magical about watching Frances 'Baby' Houseman rise from the water in her extremely wet, skimpy, tight, white tank top. Yes, entirely magical... Sorry, got distracted there. Since then, I've been a fan of Ms. Grey's despite the fact that she literally cut her own nose off to spite her face. So when Netflix rolled out Ritual on Instant Watch, the almost final installment of the Tales from the Crypt trilogy, and I noticed that Jennifer carried top billing, I knew I was going to have to check it out. (And folks, the tank-top.... it's back!)

Deadly Doll's Choice: Joyful Noise (2012) Dolly, the Queen, and Me

When I agreed that I should go to see Joyful Noise as part of the ongoing swap series I have with Emily of the Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense, I might have been drinking. Okay, I was definitely drinking. When else would seeing a movie starring a Country singer, a Rapper turned actress, and a plot grounded in gospel music sound like a good idea? From my hazy recollection, the answer to that is about 5 or 6 beers in. At any rate, while my decision was clouded by alcohol, my viewing experience was done in an unmercifully sober state. Heading out on January 19th, Dolly Parton's 65th birthday, I made my way across town to the slowest theater, pitched up in the back row directly under the projector, and experienced the film called Joyful Noise. Well, first off, they didn't call it Astounding Vision for a reason. It's not the kind of film I would pick out to see on a big screen, but, while I didn't become moved by the spirit, I might have just enjoyed myself a bit more than I expected.

Bloodrayne (2005): Glad I Packed My Bloodbrella

I thought more about not reviewing this movie than I ever had any movie before. Not only does it have a reputation as being quite bad, it has the Uwe Boll to back that up. Now I'm not saying that every Boll film is complete trash, but when the man adapts a video game, all bets are off. After making the masterclass in how to make a bad game flick with House of the Dead, Boll returned to console for a pair of big screen translations in the form of Alone in the Dark and today's film, Bloodrayne. Now, while I spent some time with a gamepad in my hand, I never got into the Tomb Raider games or their knockoffs. So I never encountered the vampire hunter Rayne in her original pixelated form. This means I have only a basic Wikipedia based knowledge of her exploits. This is both a good and bad thing. I won't spend eons dissing the movie for not adhering to the source material, but if there was anything redeemable about the character, once Boll's movie is done with her, there's a good chance I'll miss it.

Model turned actress Kristanna Loken, best known as the T-X from Terminator 3, stars as Rayne, a dhampir, the spawn of a human mother and vampire father. In this case, the living dead-beat dad is chief vampire baddie Kagan, Ben Kingsley slumming it. As the film begins, Rayne is the captive of a carnival sideshow, being fed animal blood to show off her "tricks". When she gets a hold of  some human blood, she goes batty killing off the other performers before escaping into the woods. Hot on her trail are two bands of riders. Vladimir (Micheal Madsen), Sebatian (Matthew Davis), and Katrine (Michelle Rodriguez) are vampire hunters and leaders of Kagan's opposition the Brimstone Society. They're out to keep Rayne away from Kagan's forces, lead by the creatively head shaved Domostir (Will Sanderson), before the vampire-in-chief can  get his hands on a powerful talisman that Rayne possess.

Thankfully, Bloodrayne was not a waste of my time. Why you might ask? Here's why..

That's right Michelle Rodriguez in an adventurer outfit entirely unsuited for swordplay. If nothing else in this movie was worth my time watching, then at least I had her screen-time to give me solace. Some people don't like her, those people are wrong. So there. Anyhow, to my great surprise, I actually ended up finding a few other things to like, but don't worry, it's not all a lovefest. I've still got a number of things to hate on. Now I won't even get into Uwe Boll's direction of the film. If you've seen any of his other movies, then you know what that's like. There's a workmanlike diligence to entertainment, and Boll is more than willing to throw in splattery violence, nudity, and just enough of a nonsense plot to get the job done. Bloodrayne hits this standard stride.

The fate of the film kind of falls to the actors, and unfortunately, while there were a couple of inspired performances, many of the players seemed like they were waiting on the check to clear. Much of the film falls on the shoulders of Kristanna Loken, and there's a reason that the T-X didn't have a huge speaking role. Loken, while pretty enough to look at and matches up pretty well to her video game counterpart, just never rallys the viewer into caring about her. She does doff her clothes in a sex scene with Matthew Davis, and many will find this the film's highlight. So it should be noted that the scene is supposedly not simulated, but as the actors as shot from waist up, it would be hard to determine if the only penetration in Bloodrayne came from fangs.

David, sporting an impressive mullet, is so milquetoast that i never had much interest in him either. On the other hand, his partner, played by Micheal Madsen, might have been there for the money, but his lackadaisical performance leads to a few good moments as Madsen plays Vladimir like the most laid back vampire killer since Blade got hooked on Hydrocodone. Rodriguez, apart from filling out her outfit, turns in the films best performance, but I imight be biased. Bloodrayne also gets a shot in the arm from Meat Loaf as a lecherous vamp surrounded by real Romanian hookers, Kingsley bringing a grand presence as Kegan, Udo Keir in a brief appearance as a monk, and Billy Zane in one of the world's worst hairpieces.

So was Bloodrayne a good movie that will inspire me to check out the two sequels that followed (both starring Norwegian actress Natassia Malthe replacing Lokan)? As the kids say these days, hell to the no. While I found myself entertained by Bloodrayne and thankful that the film keeps a pacy delivery the sped the movie along, it didn't inspire confidence that further movies would do more than rehash or rip off successful franchises like Underworld. However, as far as video game movies go, it was far from the worst I've ever seen. Even under the gentle hand of Uwe Boll, Bloodrayne manages to be better than Super Mario Brothers, Tekken, the Tomb Raider films, and Doom combined together. For some reason, the same stories that work on consoles never seem to exactly work on the silver screen as if the experience wouldn't translate if the viewer didn't have a gamepad in their hand. Someday, there will be a video game film that does the same thing The Dark Knight did for comic books, prove that the source material can become a viable artistic vision across mediums. Until then, well, I surely won't say we've got Bloodrayne, but it's there if you want to watch it and stuff.

Bugg Rating

Thankskilling (2009): The Bugg Gobbles Up Turkey Day

There's basically two movies to talk about if you want to broach Thanksgiving horror. (Unless you count Eli Roth's fake trailers in Grindhouse for Thanksgiving.) There's 1972's Blood Freak, which isn't really about Turkey Day, but it does feature a biker being turned into a killer turkey with an appetite for drug dealers. Then there's the 2009 low budget effort Thankskilling. While I've never got my hands on the former, I've avoided the later for the last two years as, frankly, it sounded stupid. Well, I finally watched it, and I wasn't at all wrong. Thankskilling is stupid, stupid like a fox. With a killer puppet turkey running around spouting one liners and a script that wants to be Troma-like but can't quite manage, Thankskilling may just be the antidote for the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Seeing as this is a poultry based slasher, there's precious little to synopsize. The movie starts off with a pre-title sequence wherein the film's killer turkey makes his first appearance while offing a large breasted pilgrim (Mature porn star Wanda Lust). Cut to present day, and five college students are on their way home for Thanksgiving break. After the nerd tells them the legend of Thankskilling, the Gruesome Gobbler begins to stalk the teens. Their only hope is the vast collection of books about Turkeys that one of their fathers owns, but before they can stop it, the turkey rapes, murders, and bastes a swath of blood wherever he goes.

Making a movie on a shoestring budget is no easy task even in this shot-on-video era. Thankskilling is one of the better looking movies to come out of this movement, and it's plain to see that every penny of the $3000 dollar budget is onscreen. The problem is the chasm from the films they seem to want to make, and the one they did. While the film opens on a naked breast, this is the last bit of sleaze you get in the film, and the violence is watered down to practically nothing as well. Director Jordan Downey clearly wants to follow in the footsteps of Lloyd Kaufman, but a fairly tame tale of a wisecracking turkey isn't going to do the job. The turkey puppet, voiced by Downey, is clearly the best part of the film (and the scene where it shares a cup of coffee with a man in a turkey suit is hilarious visually if nothing else.), and the wisecracks took me right back to the days of my youth before funny Freddy Kruger wasn't infinitely irritating.

Perhaps the greatest strength of Thankskilling is its brevity. Running just barely over an hour, it's an easy watch, and it contains enough decent jokes to make the experience worthwhile. It also might be better if you're slightly sleepy from too much turkey. Someone test that theory out and get back to me on it. Right now Thankskilling is available for Instant Watch on Netflix, and while it is an incredibly flawed movie, I still encourage folks to check it out. After all, there's only so many times you can watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving or Miracle on 34th Street, and no one is ready for A Christmas Story quite yet. So after bottling up all that rage at your family gathering, come home and queue this one up. It may be a turkey about a turkey killing some turkeys, but it's not a bad way to spend a holiday evening.

Before I go, I want to take an opportunity to thank all my readers. No matter if you're celebrating Turkey day or one of my readers from around the world, I thank each and every one of you who make the Lair one of your favorite places for Cult, Horror, and Genre reviews.

Bugg Rating