Deadly Doll’s Choice: We're Going to Eat You (1980)

If I were going to be consumed in some way, and I got my choice of the method, I think I would want to be made into a gelatinous doughnut filling. First off, it doesn’t sound particularly appetizing, and secondly, the person eating me would be likely to spill some of me down their shirt. That kind of thing could ruin a day, and if I’m going to have to be killed and eaten, I’m going to serve as an inconvenience at least. What served as no inconvenience at all was the film that Emily from The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense picked for our film swap this month. For my part I picked the illustriously titled Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels for her viewing pleasure, and her pick for me was Tsui Hark’s 1980 film Di you wu men or We're Going to Eat You.

Hark was a director I knew more by reputation than his filmography. I’ve seen a couple of installments of his Once Upon a Time in China series and knew he had produced John Woo’s 1986 film A Better Tomorrow, but I had never taken a special interest in him. So while I had heard of We're Going to Eat You, I wasn’t aware it was one of his films. After seeing it, that special interest might have been sparked. I watched it early one weekend morning while sipping on a hot cup of coffee, and it was the perfect way to start a day. Watching the combination of horror, comedy, and martial arts unfold took me right back to my childhood when the USA network would air Kung Fu theater Saturday afternoons after cartoons.

We're Going to Eat You stars Norman Chu as Agent 999 is sent to a rural Chinese village to arrest a bandit called Rolex (Melvin Wong), who sports a tattoo of a fist on his chest. Upon arriving, Agent 999 begins to suspect that something is wrong, and he soon discovers that cannibals, addicted to the flesh of strangers, populate the village. Agent 999, a traveling pickpocket (Kwok Choi Hon), and Rolex must band together to take down the town’s villainous, and hungry, chief played by Eddy Ko. Along the way there’s enough slapstick to make a Three Stooges fan happy, enough martial arts set pieces to delight fans of classic Shaw Brothers, and enough cut rate special effects to make a H.G. Lewis fan giddy.

To say that We're Going to Eat You was not what I expected would be an understatement. I don’t know what I expected exactly, but Hark’s film defies classification. Combining a pinch of Italian cannibal mojo with Half a Loaf of Kung Fu, Hark gives Sam Rami a run for his money in the zany horror category. Much of this is due to the great performances. While Norman Chu was wonderful with his neo-noir portrayal of Agent 999, the film really belonged to Kwok Choi Hon who played the pickpocket and Eddie Ko who played the Chief. Ko slinks around the screen with an insane, sweaty looking power that delighted me, and Kwok Choi Hon gave the pickpocket a kind of wimpish likeability that brought to mind the charismatic likeability of Jackie Chan.

We're Going to Eat You is one of my favorite kind of cult films, a genre mash-up. Sometimes directors lose balance between the bits of pieces they are trying to cobble together, but in this case, Hark put together a film that is hysterical, action packed, and a bit gross as well. I can’t thank Emily enough for picking this one out for me, and I can’t wait to see what she has in store for me next month. So head on over to The Deadly Doll’s House to check out what she thinks about Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels, and as for me, I’m feeling a bit peckish. Perhaps a run out to Krispy Kreme is in order.

Bugg Rating

Ring Around the Dead Birds

There's one kind of horror that the old Lightning Bug has never been able to get down with, and that's the films that come out of the Asian market or their American remakes. I'm not a fan of The Ring or The Grudge, and even Jessica Alba couldn't get me to watch The Eye if she brought it to me herself on a silver platter while wearing a French maid costume. OK, that's probably not true. I would watch it, but I wouldn't have to like it. When I picked up the box for today's film, what I saw looked like a creepy horror/western, and being a fan of both genres I picked it up. Well I was mistaken on all fronts.

Dead Birds (2005) starring Henry Thomas, Patrick Fugit, Nicki Aycox, and Isaiah Washington. Directed by Alex Turner. 

The movie unfolds in 1863, two years into the Civil War, and William and his band of runaway confederates have turned to bank robbing. They ride into town (the town was actually leftover sets from Tim Burton's Big Fish) and have a shootout while robbing a load of Confederate gold. They manage to escape and ride out for the old Hollister place nearby to shack up before heading out to Mexico. The gang, including escaped slave Todd (Washington), nurse Annabelle (Aycox), Williams brother Sam (Fugit), racist Clyde (Michael Shannon", and the genial Joseph (Mark Boon Jr. who can currently be seen in the excellent new FX show Sons of Anarchy), finally make it to the old plantation. On their way through the fields, they shoot down what looks like a wild hairless boar.

They search though the house, but there's no one there. They hear some creepy noises and find a book in the slave quarters detailing spells to bring people back from the dead. Now this would bother me, but the gang shrug it off and start to relax with a game of cards, or in William and Annabelle's case some "private time". Johnny goes out to stable and feed the horses and thinks he hears a child down the well and tries to help, but instead, in goes Johnny and with him the only character I'd enjoyed so far in this movie. 

The gang split up to go out and find Johnny, but there's no trace of him. While they're gone Annabelle sees a creepy kid under the bed, and as soon as I saw the kid go from sweet little kid to hollow eyed sharp tooth freak, I knew what I had gotten myself into. From there, the whole movie takes a decidedly Asian ghost story turn. Sam has a vision of the previous owner of the house who provides, very helpfully, some plot exposition. Seems Mr. Hollister's wife had died of the consumption and he had taken to dark magic to bring her back. Unfortunately, all he got was a house full of demon kids in return. More spookiness and pathetic attempts at making the audience jump follow, and then a "twist" ending that could not have been more ho-hum. 

This movie disappoints on all fronts.

Number one: It's not a western. Sure people ride horses and wear hats, and it may even be the same time period. However, Alabama is not the West.

Number Two: I hated the grafting of the Asian ghost story into this flick. I had hoped when they found the book in the slave quarters we might be in for some Voodoo goodness.  

Number Three: The acting, camera work, and script were all sub-par.

So skip this one. Tell your friends and neighbors to skip this one. Make sure your pets know that they should skip this one, and if anyone out there actually knows of a good horror/Western hybrid let the Bug know, cause  I'm still waiting to see one.