We'll start off here in 1988 with a little something called....
Curse of the Queerwolf (1988) starring Michael Palazzolo, Kent Butler, and Taylor Whitney. Directed by Mark Pirro.
Well, then. In a nutshell here's how it goes. Stop me if you've heard this one. The feared Dickenthrope stalks the night, and if it happens to bite you,well, you turn into a Dickenthrope as well. That is until someone kills you with a silver dildo in your ass. That is the fate of Larry Smallbut. After picking up a couple of girls at a bar, Larry and his swinging single friend Richard Cheese. (Yes, Richard Cheese) retire to Richard's place. While things go wild but well for Richard, Larry finds an unwanted surprise in his gal. Seems she is a queerwolf and she bites Larry on his ass. Larry's world spirals into craziness as each full moon he could change. The change into the queerwolf is kind of disappointing as I was assuming it would be a gay werewolf, but it turns out its more like a change into the worst Rocky Horror costumes ever.
The idea had some potential for laughs and it gave some up. I really enjoyed the torch bearing mob that really took their torches seriously. (I mean when you bring one in the car with you; then you mean business.) The angry mob was portrayed as simple, stupid, and buffoonish, but at the same time Larry doesn't learn anything from his plight except that a John Wayne amulet can keep him from turning. It's a movie of its time definitely set out to exploit and it does so to varying degrees of entertainment. Alright for a watch, but I wouldn't go so far as to recommend it.
Right about now you might be saying "What about Conrad Brooks?" Well Conrad had a bit role in this one as one of Richard Cheese's patients. Richard is an aversion therapy doctor who always seems to accidentally avert people all the way to death. Forrest Ackerman also makes a cameo as another one of the patients.
Bug Rating: Queerwolf
And so now we bravely flash forward to the future from then, to the past of now, and to the now of then and here we go....
Zombiegeddon (2003) starring Ari Bavel, Joe Estevez, and Paul Darrigo. Directed by Chris Watson.
The film opens up on a hotel bedroom and Tom Savini and Brinke Stevens in bed. Tom is , of course, playing Jesus Christ, and it seems he's just gotten his favorite kind of sex "The kind you don't have to pay for." He tries to get Brinke to say around the room for a while, but she has to get to her job as a radio DJ. She has an interview lined up today with Dean Martinson from the community college (Played of course by our man Brooks), but she's fed up with that news and soon begins recounting the story of how the world might end in three days as told to her by a man who said he was Jesus Christ.
The first forty five minutes to an hour of this movie are a rambling mess so I'll sum it us as fast as I can. Two cops, both dirty, three kids in a college bookstore, Lloyd Kaufman as a janitor, and the Lord of Zombies awaiting world takeover. Seems zombies are the devil's race of men and they have always been among us, and they can only be defeated by a line of holy warriors of which there is only one.
A Special Message from the Lightning Bug
"I just want to take a moment to say this. If you are the last in a line of holy warriors that must protect the whole world from a invasion by the devil and zombies, then for Savini's sake have more than one kid. Sleep around a bit. I'm sure it might be frowned on in the whole holy warrior business, but seriously, get over it and get busy. OK back to your regularly scheduled review."
Right then, so it turns out that one of the crooked cops, Jeffery, is the last of the line, and it's all up to this dipstick so save humanity. Zombie killing at the college campus ensues and the dirty fuzz are called. One of the best scenes in the film is a fight between the dirty cops and king fu zombies, but after that it spirals downhill again with more jokes and more fighting leading to the inevitable showdown between Jeff and the Lord of the Zombies.
Now was this movie any good. Well, it has a disclaimer on the front of the movie in the form of Uwe Boll saying not to watch it, which in and of itself seems to be an endorsement to do just the opposite, but you never know what's going on with Uwe. (I've seen somewhere that House of the Dead is being released in a "funny version") For my taste, the jokes are not that funny and the whole first half rambles too much and too long to have any kind of coherency, but at the same time, I never felt that I wasn't entertained. The cameos are good to look for, but some, like Ron Jeremy as a voice on Brinke Stevens' radio show, don't really become obvious without a close inspection of the credits. Overall, a fun distraction with very little meat on it's bones, and you know that doesn't make for happy zombies.
Bug Rating: Zombiegeddon
And so Conrad Brooks. We here at the Lightning Bug's Lair and all the Moonies everywhere salute you. You have devoted your life's work to keeping up the fine standards of Edward Wood, and providing the world with some new "worst movies ever" to add to our lists.
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