Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair #5: Don't Go in the House (1979)

So far on the Don't Go in the Lightning Bug's Lair Halloween countdown, we've been told to don't go in the woods (twice), don't scream, don't sleep, don't look in the basement or open the door, and now, worst of all, we can't even go in the house. At this time of year, when the nights get chilly, I know the place I want to be most is ensconced in my house with a warm mug of cider and a roaring fire in the fireplace. I never seem to have any cider and the Lair didn't come with a fire place, but it still sounds like a good idea to be inside curled up with a good movie. Coming in at number five on the countdown, Don't Go in the House, about a young man with aspirations to be the next H.H. Holmes crossed with Norman Bates and the bad guy from Backdraft, has the kind of horror heat to keep you toasty on these nippy nights. 

Don't Go in the Lightning. Bug's Lair #6: Don't Go to Sleep (1982)

As the ghosts and hobgoblins of the Halloween season draw ever closer, one might find it harder to bed down for the night. This could be out of superstitious fright or it could be because the wee small hours are the best occasion for watching scary movies. Likely, for most folks, the sleepless nights aren't caused by the specter of a deceased sibling who may have returned for diabolical purposes. However, that's just the issue in today's film, the 1982, star studded, made for TV creepfest, Don't Go to Sleep. I don't know what was in the water at the TV studios in the 70s and 80s, but, while today's TV films are either laughably bad (Lifetime, I'm looking at you.) or bloated messes ballooned out to a mini-series format, there was a magic to many of the old TV gems. In the case of Don't Go to Sleep, it was definitely a dark magic indeed. 

The Laughing Dead (1989) What's So Funny About (Priest's Love And Aztec Resurrection)

I've seen movies with zombies. I've seen movies with mad scientists. I've seen movies with Priests that have lost their path. I've even seen movies where the Aztec people attempt to resurrect their culture. And I have seen plenty of movies where students on a field trip get menaced by any number of things. What I had never seen was a climax that boiled down to a basketball game that turns into a Ray Harryhausen style monster brawl, but that's just what The Laughing Dead delivered. Perhaps that's what happens when you get a Thai-American avant garde composer, poet,  and science fiction and horror novelist in the director's chair. Billed under a shortened version of his full name, Somtow Sucharitkul, in literary circles he would be known better as author S.P. Somtow. The first time director, writer, and star fashioned am intriguingly cheesy vision that both captured the flavor of early 80s horror fiction and the spirit of the cheapo horror feature. So come with me and let's have a few chuckles with The Laughing Dead.

Die, Develkok, Die (2012): Running With the Develkok

These days, looking an an indie film is a treacherous proposition. While the advent of cheaper technology has leveled the playing field and allowed everyone to grab a camera and make a film if they so desire, it also means that anyone can grab a camera and make a film if they so desire. For that very reason, and because I have sat through some real travesties over the years, I shy away from low budget efforts more often than not. For every one film that might be good, there always seem to be twenty more by Bill Zebub, or worse yet an imitator of his, waiting round the corner with a bag of offensive jokes, some substandard gore, and the vaguest stab at a plot. 

However, when the director of today's film, Mike Dobrzelecki, approached me to check out his first directorial effort, Die, Develkok, Die, all those indie film reservations faded away. You see, I've been following Mike for the last two years as he's made this labor of love, and, in the interest of full disclosure, he's been a longtime friend of the LBL going way back. Rest assured loyal Lair-ers, The Bug doesn't just give out good reviews for nothing just because someone is my friend. You've got to have the long green if you want to see my payola price list,  and let's face it, indie guys like Mike just don't have it to spare. They need to put it all on the screen, and when that happens, it's the best payoff of all.

Deadly Doll's Choice: The Manitou (1978)

We've all had those days. The no good, very bad days where we wished we stayed in bed. Those days when nothing goes right. Waking up late, missing your ride, and spilling coffee are all terrible ways for your morning to start, but is anything worse than the kind of day where you feel like a powerful Native American shaman is growing in a tumor in your back and preparing to burst forth on an unsuspecting world? Those are really, really the worst, but you know what's the best, Emily from The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense. Over the past few years, these movie swaps between the Deadly Doll and I have resulted in some of the strangest flicks I've ever seen, some real gems, my top trafficked review of all time, and some excruciating cinema that was painful to watch. No matter how I felt about the individual films, I always enjoy Emily's picks as they are often outside of my comfort zone. This month, however, she threw me a softball. Sure, she picked something bad, but I'm talking about some classic awfulness, the kind of stuff that would make Ed Wood, Jr. say, "Hey, that's great." It was the particular flavor of terrible that caused me to fall in love with cult cinema so many years ago, and, despite it's infamous reputation, I somehow had never seen it. So join me for this edition of The Deadly Doll's choice where someone is about to have the kind of terrible day I mentioned earlier when a Hollywood legend tangles with The Manitou.

The LBL 5 Year B-Day Special: Something Wicked This Way Comes (1984)

Horror fans often wonder why we don’t see films that scare us like they did when we were kids, and here’s the rub, we do. They just don’t have the same fright factor anymore. When I was a youngster, I got into horror through one of the more innocent portals into the genre, the Universal monster movies. These were my first impressions of Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and The Phantom of the Opera, and even after watching them on a grainy TV viewing, a low quality VHS, or on a condensed version made for Super 8 film, these movies still gave me the chills. I loved to get the big oversized film books and pour over pictures of creatures like The Golem or Dr. Phibes, scaring myself with their images long before I saw the movie. I've waxed poetic about my youth as a horror fan many times on The Lair, and I won’t take any more time here except to say that these films used to really, really scare me. While Dracula remains my favorite vampire movie and Bela Lugosi’s shining moment, the thought that a bat that turned into Bela might show up in my boudoir now seems ludicrous. Yet there was a time that even though I knew they were movies, I believed.

Terrifying Tuesday: The Purge (2013)

There are many ways to unsettle or frighten an audience in the world of cinema. There are probably as many as there are people because there is no telling what might be scary to one person or another. Lately I've talked about films that use sound as the device to horrify, and films with such disturbing visions that the interpretation of the horrific acts are left open to the viewer. Today's film chilled me down to the bone with the utterance of four little words. The Purge, another horror flick pulled together on a meager budget (The Blair Witch method, but with name actors this go round.) pulled in big bucks at the box office, but reviews were mixed and I remained skeptical. It sounded like a mix between The Hunger GameS and The Strangers, both of which were better when they were called Battle Royale and Ils respectively, and I might have taken a pass entirely. Then I heard a little of the political subtext, and while I still wasn't intrigued by seeing any movies with Ethan Hawke as my protagonist, I thought I'd purge myself of doubt and give The Purge a shot. 

Jug Face (2012) Is a Horror Movie, While Facejugs Is a Strip Club Activity

A Jughead is Archie's best friend who can't eat enough burgers, and a Jarhead is a nickname for a Marine. However, a Jug Face is something entirely different. The term generally refers to a tale of Appalachian pottery where an ugly face as sculpted into a jug that often contained moonshine or poison. In the instance of today's film, these same kinds of jugs are depicted as omens, and if your mug shows up on one, well, it's not a good thing. I actually got clued in on this movie by an artist friend of mine who specializes in making jug face pottery (and Goatse coffee mugs, best not to dwell on what that looks like), and it is my sincere hope that he never gets captured by a band of backwoods people who want to use him as their seer. Jug Face is at its core a backwoods thriller, but what it has to say about the dangers of blind devotion, well, it's a mixed message, but one I think doesn't get said often enough. So come with me while I explore whether Jugface had a good head on its shoulders or if it’s merely the pits. 

Solomon Kane (2009) The Pilgrim's Kickass

What things are best in life? The usual kind of things, like crushing enemies who are driven before you, hearing the lamentations of their women, and the stories of Robert E. Howard. For those not familiar with the name, Howard was a pulp writer who, in his all too brief thirty year life, created a cultural icon for the ages when he penned the first Conan story in 1932 for the magazine Weird Tales. What few recognize about Howard is that Conan was not his only creation. He also created tales of Bran Mak Mourn, King of the Picts, El Borack, a Texas gunfighter and world adventurer, Kull of Atlantis, the basis for the 1997 Kevin Sorbo vehicle Kull the Conqueror, Red Sonja, the She- Devil with a sword, and Solomon Kane, which is what brings us here today. Kane was one of Howard’s more modern characters, a 17th century Puritan who, armed with a sword, a dirk, and paired flintlocks, wandered the land like Caine in Kung Fu and dispatched evil wherever he found it. Now he's the subject of a new movie, but will it be as just as Solomon or will the devil lie in the details?

V/H/S 2 (2013): The Clamshell from Hell

The original title of V/H/S 2 was the more fitting S-V/H/S, named for the improved tape that quickly upgraded home video quality, but for my money they might as well call this one V/H/S and go back and call the first installment BetaMax. The sequel is an improvement overall in the average of the stories, but in the end, it still doesn't add up to a solid anthology horror film. The highs pitch higher than before, and the segments that work really work. One of the other main improvements was the wraparound segments  actually culminated into something (actually something pretty great) to end the film. It didn't feel like a complete throwaway just there to stitch together film film. Most anthology horror movies don't pull that off to my satisfaction, and with just enough intriguing mythos into the effects of the film's collection of tapes, the writers were smart enough to tease out more backstory while leaving more to show in future installments. From here on out I'm going to give super briefs reviews of the segments. I can't say much because when dealing with these short segments the twists they turn on are generally right at the surface.

Black Moon Rising (1986): Carpenter Hits Top Gear

Creedence might have seen a Bad Moon a-Risin', but I kind of wish they had seen today's film, Black Moon Rising, because I would love to hear a rootsy rock number about it. Tommy Lee Jones stars as Quint, a master thief in the employ of the federal govement tasked with stealing a data tape with information to bring down the villainous Lucky Dollar Corporation. Quint gets the tape, but when the heat rises, he stashes it in the back of an experimental super car on its way to a big auto show. Unfortunately, before he can recover the tape again, the car is stolen by Nina (Linda Hamilton) and Alex for her boss Ed Ryland (Robert Vaughn). None of this goes over well with Quint's FBI handler Agent Johnson (Bubba Smith) who gives his charge 72 hours to recover the car or face the consequences.

Across 110th Street (1972): You’ve Got to Be Strong

When I hear the song “Across 110th Street” by the immortal Bobby Womack, the first thoughts that come to my mind are the final scenes of Quentin Tarantino’s Jackie Brown where Pam Grier makes her exit from the film to the strains of the song. Like so many things in QT’s films, there is a direct film homage he is working for, and this time the film itself shares a title with the song. In the early 70s, Blaxploitation films were all the rage, and Across 110th Street shares some values with that breed of film. However, thanks to the performances of two strong leads, a tight plot with substance, and some gritty camera work, Across 110th Street feels like it belongs beside a film like In the Heat of the Night more than The Monkey Shuffle or The Mack. With the same urban appeal that made films like The French Connection feel so very real, Across 110th Street invites the viewer to come up to Harlem and see how the racial barriers divide, insulate, and ultimately must be overcome. Plus, there’s shooting and Anthony Quinn socks a lot of people in the jaw. So worry not, there may be plenty of message, but there’s a whole lot more going on Across 110th.

For the Love of Price: Scream and Scream Again and The Oblong Box

Once again I hand over the reins of the LBL to my best pal Fran Goria. She's got a double feature of the often mustachioed master of the macabre Vincent Price to help us celebrate Movember. Remember, donations are still being accepted to aid the fight against prostate and testicular cancer by clicking on the icon on the to right, the auction is still underway for the Charles Bronson Icon of Awesomeness painting with all proceeds to benefit Movember charities. Now with that out of the way, I'll turn it over to Fran. 

Hi folks! I have a double feature for you tonight starting with 1970’s Scream and Scream Again, followed by 1969’s The Oblong Box. These films have a couple of things in common. They both star Vincent Price and Christopher Lee, they share opposite sides of a Midnite Madness Double Feature DVD, and they were both directed by Gordon Hessler. Hessler also directed a third film starring Price in 1970 titled Cry of the Banshee. My personal favorite bit of trivia about Hessler is that he directed many episodes of the TV cop action series CHIPS from 1978-1982, and the TV movie Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. Now with all that out of the way, the first of tonight’s features is…

Sharky’s Machine (1981) This Machine Grows ‘Staches

If Hollywood lore is to be believed, and who am I to dispute it, when Clint Eastwood made Every Which Way But Loose, his buddy Burt Reynolds thought that Clint was stepping on his toes. Comedy, after all, was Burt’s bread and butter with a pair of Smokey and the Bandit films, The Cannonball Run, and Hooper already in the can. Burt told Clint that if Every Which Way was a hit that he’d try and one up Eastwood with his own “Dirty Harry” type character. Every Which Way was a success, and it lead Clint to do a sequel, Any Which Way You Can, before Burt could get his hard boiled cop going. In 1981, Burt finally brought his vision to life. Setting his cop tale, Sharky’s Machine, in Atlanta, Ga., near his real hometown of Waycross, Reynolds crafted a tale that was part “Dirty Harry”, but it’s hard to think that Eastwood’s character would ever be as introspective or sensitive as Burt’s Tom Sharky. So come with me to the land of many Peachtree Streets, where Southern charm meets up with big city sleaze, where one cop can make a difference, that is, if he has the right machine.

The Legacy (1978) Sam Elliott’s Supernatural ‘Stache

When I was picking out a Sam Elliot movie for Movemeber, I wanted to stay away from a lot of the obvious choices. So that meant that The Big Lebowski and Road House were stricken directly from consideration. I then looked to his Westerns where his mustache is always large and in charge, and despite having found one that stars Elliott with the mustachioed Tom Selleck called The Shadow Riders, it still wasn't really what I was looking for. I wanted something that I would enjoy watching and my wife would as well. For, if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that, should I shuffle off this mortal coil, there is a fair to middling chance that my wife might then take up stalking Sam Elliott in her spare time. Last night she said, and I quote, “Sam Elliot is the hottest brunette of all time.” This both spared my feelings (as she still considers my ever darkening hair to be blonde) and sent shock waves through the likes of Josh Brolin and Clive Owen who both thought they would be up for top honors. The film I eventually landed on was an obscurity from 1978 called The Legacy, and it was described to me as an “erotically charged thriller”. With the idea of erotic Sam Elliott in her head, my wife and I sat down to The Legacy last night, and at least one of us walked away happy (there was a shower scene after all.)

Enter the Ninja (1981) Enter the Moustache

When you think about ninjas there are a few things that come to mind, black outfits, stealth, throwing stars, and swords just to name a few. Our hero today is a ninja apart from other ninjas. Other than wearing a white ninja suit, he also comes equipped with something that I've never thought to be standard issue ninja gear, a giant, bristly, blond moustache. Of course, I'm talking about Franco Nero in the 1981 cult classic Enter the Ninja because when you think of ninjas, you also think of Italian film stars. This film has long been a favorite of mine, and I recall watching it on Showtime over and over again when I was a lad. Cornball in portions, over the top all around, and decidedly off the wall, if it had been made after the bevy of pseudo-sequels  and imitators that followed it, then it would be easy to believe that it was parodying those same films. Enter the Ninja may have been a childhood delight, but I worried if it would hold up to adult eyes. So read on to find out if this flick is as mighty as Nero’s ‘stache promises or if it’s as plain as the area under Sho Kosugi’s nose.

The Bigger and Badder Halloween Top 13: #8: Village of the Giants (1965)

So far on the B&B H13, we've had a huge snake, a dinosaur on the loose, a gaggle of deadly enlarged rabbits, and a colossal croc, but today I have one of the scariest things to ever reach enormous proportions, teenagers. Thankfully, today’s movie was made in the 1960s because they don't make an iPhone big enough to quell a tremendous teen of this day and age. Back then, all anyone wanted to do was make the scene and go-go dance with some oversized ducks, but not everyone could make that kind of happening get to happening. I'm getting ahead of myself though. Today is the first time (and possibly not the last) that I'll be talking about Bert I. Gordon, the master of the B grade giant creature feature having directed 10 such films in his forty five year career behind the camera. (Editor's Note: I know this doesn't make sense because Food of the Gods was yesterday, but, to make in clear, in layman's terms, I fucked up and reversed the order on these two films.) Of course, if your initials spelled out B.I.G (and you were not Notorious), you might have a certain affection for the overly large in life as well. The flick I'll be talking about today came out in 1965, right at the height of the “Beach Party” movie craze, and grafting elements of this style onto an extremely fast and loose adaptation of an H.G. Wells novel, Gordon created a film with great comedic moments, some near scandalous special effects, and maybe even a thing or two to say. I hope you’ll join me now as I take a trip to the nice, quiet town of Hainesville which is just about to become The Village of the Giants! 

The Bigger and Badder Halloween Top 13: #9: Food of the Gods (1976)

When I said that there was a chance that the B.I.G man, Bert I. Gordon, might make another appearance on The Bigger & Badder Halloween Top 13, you probably didn't think it would be the next day, but that is exactly what is happening. I could have honestly almost filled up this list with great giant creature features from Mr. Gordon such as The Amazing Colossal Man, Earth vs. The Spider, The Cyclops, and King Dinosaur. However, I kept my choices down to two such films (though Empire of the Ants also made a strong case for inclusion), and after the tremendous teens of Village of the Giants, I had to follow it up with what probably is Gordon’s best known film, Food of the Gods. Both Village and Food are both loosely based on the H.G. Wells novel Food of the Gods, and when I say loosely, I mean I don't think that Wells included either The Beau Brummells or a former child evangelist in his novel. The main thing that both movies share is the conceit of an edible that makes the ingestee grows to tremendous proportions. While Village casts the greedy eaters as rowdy teens out for a thrill, Food of the Gods takes the path of the wrath of nature with wasps, chickens, maggots, and rats filling out the cast of overly large animals. So sit back, grab a snack, and come with me as I cut off a slice of Food of the Gods. 

The Bigger and Badder Halloween Top 13: #10: Lake Placid (1999)

People love to go to lakes. Personally, I can't stand them. I'm not much of a swimmer anyhow, but offer me up a brackish pool of murky water where I don't know what could be lurking down there, and I'm going to pass. I've seen way too many Friday the 13th movies, and there could be a chained up maniac waiting down there for me to swim by so he can grab my leg. Paranoid? Perhaps, but I've gotten this far without it happening so I'm sticking to it. The reason I bring up Friday the 13th and lakes is that both have something to do with today's creature feature on the Bigger and Badder Halloween Top 13. Coming in at number 10, the last of the double digits, it's the late 90s horror-comedy Lake Placid. Featuring some of my favorite actors, some genuinely funny dialog, and Betty White cursing up a storm before casting Ms. White in anything was cool, Lake Placid scores across the board for me. Add in the involvement of Steve Minor, director of Friday the 13th Part 2 and 3, and a giant killer crocodile, and you've got me hooked for sure. So come  along as I take a little trip to Black Lake, Maine and take a bite out of Lake Placid.  

Death Spa a.k.a Witch Bitch (1989): Feel The Burn!

As most of you know, I am of course an amazing psychical specimen and I put fitness above almost all else. While I've never been named Mr. Universe, it is only my own modesty that keeps me from competing on that level. Of course, while I'm sitting around pumping iron, I like to take in as many flicks as I can to keep the old adrenalin pumping. So while I was doing some stuff today that makes Paul Ryan's workout plan look like it was for girls, I popped on my headband and popped in the 1989 flick Death Spa, which on my copy was billed as Witch Bitch. Under either title, it's a surprising gem of a film that made me really feel the burn in my horror muscle. So break out you leotards and get pumped up for Halloween.