Zombie Fancy Issue One

A Letter from the Editor

Hello and welcome to the premiere edition of Zombie Fancy. Each month a new issue will roll out detailing al the best in Zombie care, Zombie maintenance, Zombie cinema, and issues that are important to today’s Zombie lover. I know that in this modern day and age having a Zombie in the household is as common as the dishwasher or the martini jigger, but there’s so much people don’t know or understand about zombies. So join us back here each month, and let’s explore the fabulous world of Zombies together. 

                                                                                                          --T.L. Bugg 

Zen and the Art of Zombie Safety. 

The hardest part of keeping and maintaining zombies when you live in a city is being a good neighbor as well as zombie owner. All zombie lovers know the hardship of balancing the safety of the local children against the happiness of their zombies eyes when given a brand new intestine to chew on. To keep from causing a media incident in your city, we here at zombie fancy have a few simple tips for you. 

  ---A well feed zombie is a happy zombie. Stay well stocked on house pets and homeless drifters no one will miss. One missing blond girl and Nancy Grace will be all over you.

  -- Good fences make good neighbors. In this case instead of a fence you may want to invest in a steel room and a really good lock. It will keep your zombie from showing up on the 6:00 news. Also, resist the temptation of YouTube.

-- Lose lips sink ships. As we all know from watching past outbreaks, nothing will cause one faster then some goodie two shoes thinking they have one chance to save the world. They’ll come around with big ideas and a sidekick. Often the sidekick ends up dead it always leads the cameras right to your door.  Be wise don’t advertise your zombie.

-- Have an exit strategy. We’ve all been there, good zombie gone bad. No one wants to deal with the legal mess of causing Armageddon. Your little getaway kit should include heavy cloths, at least one shotgun, a chain saw, an of a friend who runs slower than you. 

Feeding The Masses (2004) starring Billy Garberina Rachel Morris, and Patrick Cohen. Directed by Richard Griffin. Written by Trent Hagga. 

In the midst of a horrible zombie outbreak, a news crew struggles to survive and get the truth out there. They are soon faced with a moral dilemma when the government takes control of the station and demands the crew report that the virus has been contained. Will anyone survive or will it be the End of the World?  News at 11. 

Guts

--Director Richard Griffin won the Rhode Island International Horror Festival Award for his 2006 film Seepage.

--Screenwriter Trent Haaga has starred in many low budget horror flicks such as Cutting Room and Mulva: Zombie Asskicker which are both favorites around The Lair. He also helped Lloyd Kaufman write his book Make Your Own Damn Movie. 

--Actor William DeCoff, who played Agent Barnes, was the stunt driver for the serio-comic Steve Carrell flicks, Dan in Real Life. Because, you know, that film was chock full of car chases. 

Ok, the zombies are attacking. What is the first thing you should do? Find the reanimated corpse of your weed dealer and roll him for his stash of course! This scene is one of the reasons I have really enjoyed Feeding the Masses. This is not the first time I watched this film, and I’ve liked it each time. There is not really a substantial plot and no real depth of character, but neither is required to make the concept work. I think it was shot well, the plot flowed nicely, and the zombies looked good. I would, however, have liked a bit more gore, but what blood flowed was pretty nice. Feeding the Masses also contains a fair amount of humor for those of you that like your funny in your scary. Especially entertaining were the commercials for a service which will reclaim and rebury your loved ones and the public service announcement which lets people know what to do in case of a zombie attack. 

This is not the best zombie film ever made, and speaking as someone who has seen a lot (and I mean A LOT!) of zombie films, it’s no where near the worst. As a matter of fact, it’s at least half awesome. The concept of feeding the masses bright, shiny lies is pretty damn topical in this day and age of 24 hour news. I highly recommend this one to any zombie fans. Just keep in mind, when it comes to zombie movies, I’m not really picky. Zombies are the best! They’re the bee’s knees! 

I’ve seen so many bad zombie films that it doesn’t take much to make one shine, but I think that most viewers will overlook the low budget nature of the film and enjoy the media-centric storyline. So until next time, remember one thing. When confronted with a flesh hungry zombie….. just play dead!  

Brain Rating

      I am a news junkie so the plot of this movie really appeals to me. The idea that a crisis could be made worse by the media, shucking there 4th of state responsibility in favor of color coded charts and military approved talking points, well let’s just say I can get down with that. The point is made so well the N.S.A.  might be quite interested in the filmmakers, but along the way the film lost some of its focus. I felt there were a whole lot of symbols being tossed around. The best way I can put it is the ice melted in the drink and it got watered down. That aside the theme was effective. 

   For a clearly independent film this one was well thought out and flowed pretty well. I wished the comedic parts of the movie had been paced a little quicker. The script seemed to suffer from thinking it was funnier than it was. I’m not saying I did not laugh at the touching scene of bro love, but it could have moved faster and been just as funny. 

   In the gore department you get a lot of classic zombies eating people footage. There were no big innovations in icky, but the effects looked nice. It’s good to watch a zombie movie made with limited resources and feel like the director cared more about telling a story than using all the fake blood. 

   The stand out actor is Billy Gaberina as Torch. What he lacked in chops he made up for by going all in. Most of the funny and the heart of the movie live and die by his lines. Torch had a lot riding on him, so when he delivers a line or 2 like Sam Kinison it is forgivable. Bottom line, if you dig zombies you will like this movie. If you are new to the genre, may want to look for another gateway drug.

Brain Rating

The Three Things Every Zombie Lover Should Know

1. Buy Only Name Brand Merchandise. 

Some may say that getting a freshly deceased, fully cleaned, and trained Zombie is not completely necessary. If you watch the news on most any night, you see stories of the misguided folks who think they can do it all themselves, and these reports usually end up with the do-it-yourself-er finding out it’s not as easy as it looks. Sure, some will still scoff, and say, “But that was one of those bumpkins. I’m an educated fellow, and I’ll have no problem.”   Au contraire, dear reader. Zombie wrangling and training is something best left to the professionals. Most household injuries these days happen as a result of non-licensed owners or zombies. Always purchase your Zombies from a fully accredited dealer, and always insist on the best training from one of their Zombie Whisperers. 

2. Get the Zombie that is Right for You!

Keep in mind when shopping for a Zombie what you need one for. There are three popular kinds of Zombies on the market today, and each has its own characteristics. It’s important that you know a little about each before you plan on a purchase. 

--The Voodoo Zombie is a great companion for children or the elderly. With its sewn shut mouth, there’s little to no chance of a random bite, and it’s rather normal appearance will ease the older folks nerves as well as not scare the kiddies. If you’re in the market for Junior’s First Zombie, then this is what you’re looking for. 

--The Domestic American Zombie (or D.A.Z), which is primarily distributed via government contract by Zombucks Inc., is the most popular zombie on the market today. After being indoctrinated by the Zombucks’ professional teams, right out of the box your Zombie will be ready to tackle all those little tasks around the house that bore you to tears. The D.A.Z has found a wide acceptance everywhere from households, to corporate retail outlets,  to use by the military in many of the globes more troubled regions. This is the Zombie that Uncle Sam would own, so it’s easy to understand why so many Americans want one. 

--The Imported Zombie generally is tagged as being produced by the European Union, but as we all know these Zombies have long been harvested directly from Italy. With less of the clean polished look favored by Americans in their zombies, the Imported Zombie appeals to some outside the mainstream as dark and edgy. While they do make a daring accessory, be warned that rumors of Imported Zombies taking jobs from D.A.Z are not unfounded. Also make sure you have your Imported Zombie completely checked out for mutations or pathogens. Having a Zombie is great, but your new Zombie spreading a flesh eating virus because you didn’t want to cut your own lawn is not!

3. Zombies can be Man’s Best Friend. 

That’s right. Zombies are a Man’s Best Friend, in fact, my personal Zombie actually used to be my best friend. It’s always important to consider having the conversation with the friends and relatives you love. If they are interested in becoming a Zombie in their latter-life, there are many organizations which will help you draw up all the paperwork needed to make sure they end up serving where they would want to.  This will keep mean old Mr. Jones from owning your Grandma, and you can keep her around the house, folding clothes and making sandwiches for as long as you’d like. 

These three things barely scratch the surface of what a Zombie lover needs to know when shopping for a new companion. Be sure to check your local library or Zombie Task Force bureau for more information. Or join us back here next month from more Zombie Fancy!